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09/08/2019

A poor child needs your help! Do you have the guts to take it?

QUESTION
A poor child needs your help! Do you have the guts to take it?
I am applying to colleges which require an essay. i am planing to study Computer Science. Is my essay good enough to get me into a college? are there any mistakes or Is there any correction i can make?

please do comment, this poor child needs your help.

ESSAY:

One of the greatest moments in my life was buying the iPhone. It was very exciting and a beneficial learning experience. I went to buy it on the day it was released and had to wait in line for two hours. While I was waiting in the line, I thought about the technology and the impact it has on today’s life. Consequently a famous quote came to my mind “Imagination of today is the reality of tomorrow”. It is quite magnificent to look at what we have accomplished in the last decades. Before Bill Gates came up with the idea of personal computers, only a hand full of people had the advantage of owning a computer. Vint Cerf, one of the acclaimed fathers of the internet, had no idea what his creation could do. Before the internet, people used to use a telephone, or letters to communicate with each other. Internet changed the world we live in today. Last but not the least, Steve Jobs, Co-founder, chairman and CEO of Apple INC, have created the first of its kind, the iPhone.

Today we use these technological advances that these people had achieved, in our everyday life. The creation of the computer has led to jobs becoming easier, accurate, and much faster. Computers are used in every aspect of the HealthCare industry, from creating medicines, to saving people’s life, to artificial organ transplant. They are also used for security. For example, we use computers at airport to monitor people, fights, and even to scan people to stop them from getting prohibited items on a plane. Computers have made the world smaller a place. We can see the earth through an eye of an astronaut by Google maps; we use YouTube to view people from different places around the world. We even use the internet to socialize with other people my use of websites like Facebook, MySpace, and many more. All This is because of the people who created these apparatus. These originators, or the technical wizards as I call them, had the potential to make their dreams come true, and impact people’s life.

I have dreams that I want to accomplish in life. When I got my iPhone and when I used it, a question popped into my head. “How do they make it?”. I got the answer to my question in my computer programming class. My teacher explained to me how programming codes are written to operate the phone. This inspired a new eagerness within me to learn more, and thus I knew my destiny. I have decided to learn more about computers in college. I choose to get a Computer Science degree so that I can lay the foundations for my future in computers. Individuals who have a Computer Science degree often specialize and work as systems analysts, database administrators, or computer scientists focusing on research and theoretical issues. One day I will make myself highly skilled and trained to design and develop hardware and software, and to make computer systems newer, more advance, and much easier to use. I hope to achieve my dreams through completing my studies at (name of university), and will be pleased to get a computer science degree from (name of university).

ANSWER
Just a thought, but if you are going to play up the poor child aspect a bit, I would make a few comments regarding how hard you worked to save up for an iphone. Also I would try to use an active voice more throughout your paper. Also be careful about your capitalization… not sure if this is elsewhere, but in this sentence for sure:

“All This is because of the people who created these apparatus.” I would consider revising this to something along the lines of:

“The ingenuity of the creators of these apparatus inspires me to explore other possibilities. Imagine the future technologies, such as ________, _________, and _________. I would love to have the knowledge to create new realities for people.”

I know you are young being in high school, you’ve grown up with cell phones. They’ve only been popular about ten years now. I know, can you imagine? 12 years ago I had a beeper in high school and we could send upside down messages in the way you would on your calculator and found THAT fascinating. To be in touch with others. The pace of technological development is astounding. I would demonstrate that you grasp this fact and appreciate how far we’ve come and have the creativity to consider where we can go. Just imagine in the 1950s it was cutting edge to have a black and white television… and at the turn of the last century virtually nobody had a car. I know this might sound like a long time ago, but the pace of technology has certainly become much faster as time has gone on. For centuries upon centuries, horses and buggies were the primary means of transport. Consider the ramifications technology has had on our modern lives, our means of transport, communication, the jobs we explore and the educational opportunities that we have. I

f you can shadow someone for even a day it would help too in your essay rather than simply list the jobs that a person with that degree can have, you could demonstrate your awareness of the variety of career fields by personalizing it. In shadowing ________, I realize that developing new technologies requires patience, perseverence and care. Or something like that. I don’t think most admissions councils are looking for a reiteration of what you can do with a degree unless you have something truly unique.

Remember, they read a lot of these. You need yours to be special, not average. I think yours is good but not amazing. Would it get you in? Maybe. But I’m not wowed. Sorry, you asked.

Hope that some of my suggestions might help. I would also circulate your draft among your english teachers and perhaps your computer science teacher as well. Good luck!