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09/04/2019

Admissions essay for Ultrasound program at my school. Can someone read this and tell me what you think?

QUESTION
Admissions essay for Ultrasound program at my school. Can someone read this and tell me what you think?
What should I change/add? I am really bad at writing papers.

It should be a few sentences longer because it has to be a full page.

Its not an easy thing for someone to pick a career they are truly happy with and stick with that for the rest of there lives. But once you know what you want to pursue your career in it’s a wonderful feeling; knowing that you are working towards that goal and you are willing to do anything it takes to accomplish that goal.

When I was in middle school I used to Volunteer at Virtua Memorial Hospital. I did a variety of things while volunteering there such as helping with filing, transporting patients, refilling there water in there rooms, and interacting with them throughout the day. Working in a hospital made me fascinated by the medical field. I really enjoyed talking with the patients and making sure that they were comfortable. Once I volunteered there I knew that I wanted to follow a career in the medical field so I could leave work knowing that I made a difference in someone else’s life. It took me a few years to figure out what exactly I wanted to do in the medical field but now I know for certain.

Last summer I had a very large kidney stone and had to be rushed to the hospital due to the excruciating pain I was in. While I was there one of the things I had to get done was an Ultrasound. I found it very interesting the technology used in today’s Ultrasound. While I was being scanned I was able to speak to my highly skilled and friendly Sonographer about the career field she was in and learned alot of information. Thats when I became interested in pursuing a career as an Ultrasound Technician and realized I have just what it takes.

A few months after that I went back for my follow up appointment and I had the same Sonographer scan me. I told her I was getting information together on the Ultrasound program at my Community College and how excited I was that I actually knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. After the scan she told me that there was no more stones. If it weren’t for the amazing technology used in Ultrasound today I wouldn’t have known that I was stone free.

Being that my mom and cousin are both Radiologists and my aunt is a Nurse I was able to speak to them about my career dream as well. They all agree that this is a great field to be in and would be perfect for me.

I know I would be a great student for the Diagnostic Medical Sonography Program because I am fully dedicated and am looking forward to learning all of the things that it takes to be the best Sonographer. This is a very challenging career field and there is always something new which is another thing I love about it. I am team player looking to help others and I couldn’t be more happier and motivated to take the next step in pursuing my career dream.

ANSWER
It would be helpful to know the instructions for writing the essay but I’ll try to help anyway.

-First paragraph you have a spelling error: it should be “their” lives, not “there” lives.
-Same spelling error in second paragraph. “their” water and “their” rooms is correct. (“There” is a place, as in “over there”)
-3rd paragraph, last sentence: Use correct terminology: “pursuing a career as a Diagnostic Medical Sonographer” (not Ultrasound Technician). Also, expound on the idea of why you have “what it takes”…are you determined? enjoy challenges? a critical thinker? pay attention to detail? like working with your hands?? etc etc.
-5th paragraph: make sure you’re using correct terminology. Are your mom and cousin both doctors or do they do xrays? A Radiologist is a doctor who interprets imaging scans (xrays, ultrasounds, etc.). A Radiologic Technologist takes xrays.

Hope that helped a little. Good luck