Anyone know how to edit a college essay?
I’ve got a essay for college admission. Help edit please
Prompt;In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
I call it my ‘baby’. The Ethiopian and Eritrean Club, that is. I gave birth in my freshman year with hopes for her to blossom and attract other students whose passion for my culture matched mine. She began by crawling. As president, I spread the word of this new found club, recruited members, and organized fundraisers for community service projects. In my sophomore year, she had doubled in size and I directed the first African performance showcased at our high school’s international night. Front page on the school newspaper. I was especially proud. However, nothing is more satisfying than taking part in the ’Backpacks to Africa’ project, where we donated 300 backpacks to deserving Eritrean and Ethiopian elementary school students for their achievements in 2009. It’s always hard for a mother to say goodbye to her child, but I wish the Ethiopian and Eritrean Club a long and successful life.
The essay you wrote has promise, but I see several ideas that could help to make it shine even more brightly that it does at this time. First, there are 200 or more words in this essay. That certainly met the criterion of 150 words required by the university where you are thinking of applying.
You also may wish to change the orientation of the essay as an experience of birthing a baby. It seemed satisfactory to start writing the essay. However, the analogy of birthing to initiate the Ethiopiann and Eritrean Club was used twice in the first two sentences and once in the last sentence. It did seem as if it was not enough. Comparing the energy it takes to push the baby out of the birth canal to the difficulties of getting approval from school officials, recruiting reluctant students to join should have been added if the thought was that birthing a baby is similar to required energy of writing the proposal, talking about the club, soliciting the 300 backpacks, and making the popular appearance at International Night.
Of course, it is your essay and it is you who makes the decision. It was an excellent idea to relate your experiences with the Eritrean Ethiopian Club in the admission essay.
You may wish to do that. It will increase the number of words you write. Then, you would have to go back and edit the essay to the 150 word size required by the university application. It would make the essay even better than it was when you wrote in earlier.