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09/07/2019

Can someone help revise my college essay?

QUESTION
Can someone help revise my college essay?
Moner Mosa
11/11/11
When I fourteen I wasn’t really interested in school or academics at all. I was always interested in becoming a professional skateboarder more than anything else. On October 21 2008 everything changed when I was skateboarding home from a normal day I approached the hill that I occasionally took when I would I was going home alone. As I cruised down and pushed myself faster and faster, the wind flowing through my hair and the moons light glowing the path I embarked on I didn’t give much thought about the cross road I was destined to pass. I closed my eyes and woke up on the floor of the street without a clue of what happened I lifted myself to see my tibia bent at a ninety degree angle I came to realize at that exact moment my life will never be the same. I spent seventeen days in the hospital three surgeries and one goal set in mind, I never thought even for one moment I was not going to be able to walk again or have to have my leg amputated I just simply followed along with what my doctors told me. For two weeks I was glued to a wheel chair I could have never imagined myself at such a young age in this situation forced to roll myself around. I was determined after words to make a full recover. Though being in a wheel chair isn’t a good thing I always made the best of my by using it to exercise my arms and it was a pretty comfortable chair too. Less than one month after I was hit by a car I was up and walking again I was ecstatic to have the ability to walk again, although my leg was not yet completely recovered I was overjoyed by the positive outcomes once again I felt as if I could start progressing and not just have to wake up every morning thinking will I be alright. During the long months of recovery I was often lonely with no one to talk to so I began to socialize with people just like me through a program offered by my home school teachers I would share with other kids that were lonely and embedded into a life of being indoor without having the freedom to meet new people and attend school like every other “normal kid” did. I met great friends that helped influence me to always look at the future and continue embarking on new ideas and activities. On March twenty seventh 2009 my cast was removed. I felt like if I could do anything so I made a decision to devote my life to people like me that faced these hard moments and to encourage them they can do anything they want if they give one hundred percent of what they have into their goals. I live now with one goal to become an orthopedic surgeon and give the joy to family’s like mine to see their family go from broken to smiling with the help of my goals of life.

– this is my college essay just looking for some tips and some help on how i can make it better with grammar and punctuations

ANSWER
My editing is in brackets. If you remove the brackets, you can see your essay improved. I suggest you go to your English teacher for more one-on-one help.

Moner Mosa
11/11/11
When I fourteen I wasn’t really interested in school or academics at all. I was always interested in becoming a professional skateboarder more than anything else. On October 21[,] 2008 everything changed when I was skateboarding home from a normal day[.] I approached the hill that I occasionally took when I [went] home alone. As I cruised down and pushed myself faster and faster [with] the wind flowing through my hair and the [moonlight] glowing the path I embarked on[,] I didn’t give much thought about the cross road I was destined to pass. I closed my eyes and woke up on the [] the street without a clue of what happened[.] I lifted myself to see my tibia bent at a ninety degree angle[.] I came to realize at that exact moment my life will never be the same. I spent seventeen days in the hospital[. After] three surgeries[, I had] one goal set in mind; I never thought[,] even for one moment[,] I was not going to be able to walk again or have to have my leg amputated[.] I [] simply followed [my doctor’s orders]. For two weeks I was glued to a wheel chair[.] I [] never imagined myself at such a young age in this situation[]. I was determined[] to make a full recover[y]. Though being in a wheel chair isn’t a good thing[,] I always made the best of [it] by [looking on the bright side; I saw it as a great way] to exercise my arms. [Also] it was a pretty comfortable chair[]. Less than one month after I was hit by [the] car I was up and walking again[.] I was ecstatic to have the ability to walk again[;] although my leg was not yet completely recovered[,] I was overjoyed by the positive outcomes[.] []I felt as if I could [progress even more] and not just have to wake up every morning [questioning my health]. During the long months of recovery I was often lonely with no one to talk to[,] so I began to socialize with people just like me through a program offered by my home[-]school teachers[.] I would share with other kids [who] were lonely and embedded into a life of being indoor[s] without having the freedom to meet new people and attend school like every other “normal kid” did. I [made] great friends [who] []influence[d] me to always look at the future and continue [to embark] on new ideas and activities. On March [27,] 2009 my cast was removed. I felt []I could do anything[,] so I made a decision to devote my life to people like me [who] faced these hard moments and to encourage them [that] they can do anything they want if they give one hundred percent of what they have [to] their goals. I live now with one goal[:] to become an orthopedic surgeon and give the joy to [families] like mine to []go from [a broken heart to a smiling face].