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09/08/2019

Can Someone please check my introduction and see if it is good?

QUESTION
Can Someone please check my introduction and see if it is good?
I writing a paper on my opinion of the criminal justice system? Please give me feedback on my introduction. 🙂

The Criminal Justice System (CJS) is a very significant asset to the people of the United States of America. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, the CJS is perceived to be the set of agencies (law enforcement, courts, and corrections) and processes established by government to control crime and impose penalties on those who violate the law. The main reason America has a criminal justice system is to protect the peace, balance and keep order in society. Without the criminal justice system the society would lack peace and order; therefore it will lead America into chaos and corruption. From my perspective, the CJS is unfair because it consists of minor racism, greed, relying on rehabilitation instead of transformation, and leniency of consequences.

ANSWER
Generally speaking, it’s a bad introduction (I’d probably grade B/B-).

Essentially, while you have a workable thesis statement, nothing else is really intro paragraph material. The first sentence is opinion and unrelated to everything else, it can be cut. The second sentence is okay but doesn’t belong in the intro. The third sentence needs a citation and also doesn’t belong in the intro. The fourth sentence is awkwardly phrased and melodramatic, cut it entirely. And finally, the fifth sentence (your thesis) needs to be more assertive (you’re hedging your bet with the “from my perspective” bit, and “unfair” is too nice a word).

Start with the heart of your thesis statement, then develop “mini-thesis statements” for the rest of your essay. Basically, you are making 3 different arguments in that thesis. The first is the the CJS is corrupt (racist and greedy): develop that in the second sentence of the intro paragraph to give us a hint of what you will be arguing in that second. Your second point is that the CJS has an inappropriate aim (rehab instead of transformation): why is that inappropriate? Your third point is that it is ineffective: develop that a bit more, too.

Mind, I am not saying you need to be providing full arguments for each, but rather you need to provide an introduction to each concept that ties them into your main thesis (that the CJS is unfair). Think of these as the thesis statement (that you’ll want to repeat and rephrase in their respective sections) for your various arguments, whereas the main thesis is what ties the various arguments together in a coherent paper.