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09/04/2019

can you give me a feedback on my admission essay?

QUESTION
can you give me a feedback on my admission essay?
can you give me a feedback on my admission essay?
My name is XXXXX and I am applying for the Master’s Graduate Entry-Level into nursing program. I have chosen College Mount ST. Joseph because of the nature of this particular program and also the pass rate of the NCLEX-RN, which makes College of Mt ST Joseph, stands out as a national leader in the education of health professionals.
At a young age, I was taught by my parents that I have to work hard to get what I want. I did it, and now I’m doing it again. I have an undergraduate degree in Accounting. After my graduation I landed a corporate job. It was a decent job that provided me with just the right benefits and security that I needed to support my family. But I didn’t find it to be fulfilling.
To make myself useful to my community I became a volunteer at a local hospice. My duties are to organize medical records, provide companionship, comfort, love and support to patients and their family. I was very impressed by my ability to help make a difference in other people’s life. That’s when I knew that being a nurse was my calling. I became a state tested nursing assistant shortly after. I left my job and took a nurse aid position at a local hospital.
Being a nurse will allow me to interact more with people, influence and touch lives. I am very willing to achieve this big responsibility. I am eager to be there for the patients through illness, injury pain, loss, grieving, birth, growth, aging and health. I have the drive and determination to achieve my goal of being a nurse. I am also thoughtful, caring and open. I believe that my drive and qualities would reflect on me being a nurse and would make me a successful one.
I have recently finished the prerequisite courses required for the program, as well as a few additional science classes to help me be the best nurse that I can be.
Nursing field provides a large opportunity for valuable life learning and professional experiences. Upon obtaining my degree I plan on furthering my education to become a Nurse Practitioner or a Midwife while working in a hospital.
As a Scottish-American businessman named Andrew Carnegie said: “Anything in life worth having is worth working for”

ANSWER
Problem #1: “I’m” No, in a professional essay it is I am.
Problem #2: Your intro will sound like 10,000 others.
Problem #3: No advanced vocabulary.
Problem #4: Your passion does not come through. You want to be a midwife, okay. Why this in particular? What do you want to accomplish as a midwife?
Problem #5: It has no depth, you don’t come out as special.
Problem #6: You have no conclusion, instead you ended with a cheesy quote.

For high school writing it’s okay. For graduate level it’s unacceptable. You have to have enough command of language to be able to publish. Completely re-do this.