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09/07/2019

Can you please evaluate my Essay (Constructive Criticism is appreciated)?

QUESTION
Can you please evaluate my Essay (Constructive Criticism is appreciated)?
my argumentive essay topic is: TV Censorship.

can you evaluate my essay:
-does it have a good thesis statement
-good reasoning
-good flow to the sentences (sequencing)
-well written?
-etc.

======================================…

“Why we should enforce TV Censorship”

Have you ever wondered why our modern society has become more violent and salacious over the past couple of decades? I think the lack of TV censorship is largely to blame for this. Children nowadays spend less time outside playing and more time sitting in front of the Television set. So you can probably imagine how much influence TV programs has on the lives of children. This is one of the many reasons why I believe the government should enforce stricter TV Censorship.

At first, I would like to point out how violence has exacerbated over the years. Guns, shootings, murders, stabbings, explosions, car chases, and brutal deaths are all shown daily throughout TV programming. Most of the violence shown on TV is not even from the Nightly news, and nearly of all it is fake. The average American watches about 30 hours of television weekly. So the violence on TV is obviously being witnessed by many Americans.

Secondly, we have to take in consideration that a large portion of the TV viewers are Children. Children are the future of America, so they should not be brainwashed by the brutality shown on TV. One example is, in 1999, a 7-year old child killed his little brother with a “clothesline” maneuver he had seen on a wrestling show. That incident could have been avoided had the show been moved to a later time slot so kids will be unable to view the savagery.

Finally, I believe enforcing TV Censorship shields the Moral of our Society. The government needs to step in and choose what is right and wrong for people to watch on TV. One can argue that this would violate our Constitutional rights. But the outcome would be a positive one. It would bring more peace and unity in our society. There are many people who grow up in bad neighborhoods and are oblivious to what is morally right and wrong. But the government can make a step to improve that situation, if they make the TV programs more auspicious.

In conclusion, I believe the government should definitely enforce TV censorship. Not only would it decrease homicide rates and violence in our society, but it will also set good standards for the children of America. We should take one step forward into creating an ideal society, why not start with TV Censorship?

ANSWER
I was always taught to make your thesis a statement and try to leave out words like “who, what, where, why, when, and how”.
That being said, your thesis statement is good, but following what I was taught, I would change it to something like: “TV Censorship Should Be Enforced.”
That way your thesis states what your opinion is before your paper is read.

I also would change this part a little: “Children nowadays spend less time outside playing and more time sitting in front of the Television set. So you can probably imagine how much influence TV programs has on the lives of children.”
You should never start a sentence with “and, so, or because”, so you have a few options. You can change it to one of the following to make it flow better:
1. “Children nowadays spend less time outside playing and more time sitting in front of the television set, so you can probably imagine how much influence TV programs has on the lives of children.” (just change the period to a comma!)
2. “Children nowadays spend less time outside playing and more time sitting in front of the television set. That being said, you can probably imagine how much influence TV programs has on the lives of children.” (change the beginning of the second sentence)

You could also do the same in your second paragraph where you write: “The average American watches about 30 hours of television weekly. So the violence on TV is obviously being witnessed by many Americans.”

There are also a few sentences near the end that you start with the word “but”.

For example:
One can argue that this would violate our Constitutional rights. But the outcome would be a positive one. It would bring more peace and unity in our society. There are many people who grow up in bad neighborhoods and are oblivious to what is morally right and wrong. But the government can make a step to improve that situation, if they make the TV programs more auspicious.

Could be changed to:
One can argue that this would violate our Constitutional rights, but the outcome would be a positive one. It would bring more peace and unity in our society. There are many people who grow up in bad neighborhoods and are oblivious to what is morally right and wrong. The government can make a step to improve that situation, if they make the TV programs more auspicious.

I think the rest of your paper sounds great, you proved your points and used examples for each. I hope my criticisms were constructive and not rude, I was just going by how I was taught.

Good luck!