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09/04/2019

can you review my common app essay? thanks :)?

QUESTION
can you review my common app essay? thanks :)?
1. Is the whole ‘feel’ of the essay good enough for a college essay?
2. Is there enough about myself? Or does it involve my grandparents alot?
3. Would adding an example make it better/help?
Thank you soo much for your help! 🙂

When I grew up I was influenced by not one grandmother-but by two. Because I lived in a joint family, my paternal grandmother and I lived in the same house. And my maternal grandmother was a mere two-minute walk away. From the time I was four right until the time I turned 10, I spent many of my weekend nights alternating between spending time with both my grandmothers. As individuals, both my grandmothers are not very different from each other. Although they come from different cultures and backgrounds, they can spend hours on end chatting, gossiping, sharing their miseries and laughing.

My paternal grandmother is Gujrati. The weekends that I spent at my own house were no doubt enjoyable. My grandmother and I would play games or watch some TV for the two to three hours preceding my bedtime. When it was time for bed, my grandmother always said her prayers before falling asleep. What she recited is known as the ‘Navkar Mantra’ which symbolises the act of bowing to all prophets, liberated souls, teachers and saints. It teaches the power of forgiveness. I know this because in all those years, not once did she not mention it to me.
She always told me ———————————–(to be filled :P)————————————-… . I never felt obliged to say it, but nonetheless, I heard the prayer every chance I got.

At my maternal grandmothers house, things were more lively and less laid back. My grandmother is originally from Sind and moved to India just a year or two before the partition of 1947. She would keep my mind occupied by telling me about/ stories of the sacrifices she had to make, the hardships she had to bear and the little things that made her happy during the turbulent yet enriching experience of her life. Every night before falling asleep, she also said her prayers without fail. What she recited is called the ‘Hare Krishna Mantra’. She told me that saying it every night would ensure peace and revitalisation of the mind and a fresh start the next day.
From the beginning, I have been raised to look at everything in two ways. As a child I probably did not realise that different people have different opinions. Having two grandmothers who influenced me in their own special way has made me widen my own perspective. I now know how to respect the opinion, critique and comments of another person. The fact that neither of my grandmothers made me feel obliged to conform to either one of their ideologies has only strengthened my own. I now have little or no trouble placing myself in another’s shoes, figuratively of course.
————————————–…
Other things i will squeeze in somewhere after a little editing:

–> Each of them are different and hold a special place in my life. As they were from two different religions, cultures and geographic regions of
India, they presented me with two diverse styles of living. Each of them often recited their prayers to me at night, in the hope that I would soon be able to recite them myself.

–>Although their futile attempts may have failed in teaching me religion in their terms, they have certainly contributed to my development as a well-rounded individual, able to make decisions and carry them out too
————————————–…

ANSWER
The essay needs fundamental rework.

– You assume the reader is familiar with terms. What is “Gujrati”? If it has something to do with India, I need to read into the third paragraph to find out. Bad structure.
– You spend FAR too much of your limited, precious word count describing your grandparents. Plus it’s unclear what you’re building up to. I have no idea what the point of this essay is.
– You haven’t structured this as a formal essay, which is why the flow is chaotic.

You need to rewrite this. You need to follow the basic structure of the standard essay. Don’t make the reader guess, assume or question any technical details. Ever. Clearly state exactly what the point of the essay is up front. Plus all the other structural necessities of a standard essay. You need to write a formal essay or it will be unacceptable.