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09/04/2019

College Admission Essay help?

QUESTION
College Admission Essay help?
The essay topic is:
Choose an issue of importance to you – the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope – and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

This is what I have so far:
Cancer: a six letter word, a condition, or a murderer. The only way you can differentiate these things is if you’ve lived though them. And I speak for myself and my family when I say, we have. The word breaks us down; it makes us think back; it creates tension. We’ve lost three individuals from our family to this horrible disease. It is an understatement to say that it has impacted me; instead, it has defined me. Seeing these people die, one by one, when they are so very close to you, just destroys you. It made me think twice about everything and at this point, all I want to do is help. I need to help before it hits again. I want to give to charities. I want to help patients. I want to begin to make a difference.
When I lost my aunt two years ago, I couldn’t take it. I asked God why he would even bother to create this terrible disease. I questioned everything and hated the world. Then I thought about it. I realized that losing Estella made me realize that people are still fighting, and I had to do something about it because no one deserves to be victim of this disease.

I need is reassurance that this is answering the question, but I also want advice on how to make this into a personal narrative. I am a junior in high school, and this is the assignment. The teacher wants for it to tell a story…any ideas? ANY HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED!!

ANSWER
You need to give specific examples. You need to use complete sentences. (Eliminate the first “sentence”.)

Write only in the first person singular or in the third person. Avoid mentioning God. Use longer and more complex sentences. Move from a starting point to a conclusion. Avoid obvious generalizations such as “no one deserves to be a victim”. Avoid semicolons.

I know that this is a strict answer, but I am trying to put you on the path to writing a college essay, not a high school essay. Please accept my condolences for your losses.

Do not post your new essay or part of it online. It will be picked up by nationwide anti-plagiarism software and could be discarded by colleges as plagiarism even though it is your own work.

Best wishes.