College Application essay?
please be 100% honest, I’ll appreciate all feedback
Perhaps, the most important thing that has ever happened to me was so small, so
insignificant at the time, that I didn’t realize how important it was until I sat down to
write this essay. To be sure, I appreciated the incident, but without the benefit of hindsight its almost meaningless. It’s not noteworthy to anyone on the outside looking in. Its not something that would catch the eye of a guidance counselor, or would one day be discussed in a therapist’s office . Its an event that most teachers would consider normal and common. This life altering event, was meeting my best friend, and my first friend, Robert, in 2nd grade.
At the time I was seven, and I was playing with Robert figurines, which came
from a popular TV show of my youth. I was blissfully unaware that I was being watched,
I was unaware that I was under heavy scrutiny, and I was unaware that I was about to undergo one of the most important interviews of my life. A small, scrawny boy approached me and asked about my favorite Digimon. I responded cautiously with Patamon, startled that anyone would talk to me. My impromptu interview started, and ended with the kind of swift directness only kids are capable of. Robert sat next to me, a simple act with an ulterior meeting, we were friends.
I always thought of Robert as a best friend, but it wasn’t until my sophomore and
junior years in high school that our friendship was put to the test. In the winter of my
sophomore year my family discovered that my step dad had not been faithful, a rough divorce ensued. Robert provided comedic relief when I needed it, a house to spend the night at when I didn’t want to be home, and a voice of reason when I almost lost control. A voice of reason that told me not to lash out just because I was angry, not to get in trouble for the sake of rebellion. When my step dad ultimately got awarded everything because of a law technicality Robert was just as outraged as I was.
Today, Robert and I are at a very different stage in our friendship now. We aren’t the kids we once were. We no longer stay awake during sleepovers talking about how gross it must be to kiss a girl. We talk about whose going to drive the next day, and what colleges we will apply to. It is because of this, I can appreciate how far I’ve come in ten years. I can appreciate the importance of playing with Digimon on an otherwise ordinary day. Robert has taught me that sometimes you need to hold your tongue, that you can find a good friend in unexpected places, and the most important thing Robert has taught me, is to use my resources and appreciate my friends. It is because of Robert that I answer everyone with a smile, in hopes of finding a best friend.
It’s a decent start and here is my feedback:
You have some grammar errors so clean them up (eg “whose” should be “who’s”.
Your topic is fine but what the essay lacks is a true representation of Robert. By the end of the essay, Robert is still a name, rather than a person. Try to be more descriptive about his personality.
You also tend to use words and phrases that scream “thesaurus” since they don’t consistently merge well together. Using plainer English modeled after the way you speak is a better strategy rather than trying to make the essay sound fancier (eg “blissfully unaware”; “under heavy scrutiny”). You also used “unaware” 3 times in one sentence.
The phrase “simple act with an ulterior meeting” makes zero sense and should be reworded or deleted altogether.
Good luck in your efforts!