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09/04/2019

COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAY?

QUESTION
COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAY?
What do you guys think about this essay?

Its all true by the way…

Being in front of an audience has been a passion of mine since the first time during a live concert in front of over seven thousand spectators as I sang in a duet with the opening act of the Latin Rock Star, Cristian Castro. Although I was only ten years old at that time, I can still vividly recall that rather than being nervous, I could hardly wait to perform my part. Since that time, I have realized that the stage is an ideal means of communication where I can make people laugh and cry, make people think about different issues, and transmit my emotions and my ideas. I have always loved performing for my family, friends, or anyone who is willing to watch. It never mattered if it was by performing magic, singing, dancing, or acting. Nevertheless, this was an interest that I had to develop on my own. The unfortunate thing is that the entertainment industry in my homeland of El Salvador is practically non-existent. As a developing nation with limited resources, there is an understandable lack of funds allocated to this industry. But perhaps the most frustrating thing for me is that the lack of funds seems to have also effectively exterminated any interest in the arts as well.
I remember thinking to myself long ago: “How can I get on a stage?” And I decided that singing was my best shot, even though I knew that acting was my real calling. Singing gave me more opportunities to perform in front of an audience. I could sing in my school’s talent shows and other small events here in El Salvador. When I least expected it, these small events gradually grew, and I ended up singing in concerts for around ten thousand people. My participation in shows allowed me to involve myself more in the music business.
I took every opportunity, and through hard work, dedication and practice, practice, practice, I even had the opportunity to be part of MTV’s reality show: “Road to Menudo.” Johnny Wright, manager to stars such as Britney Spears, Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake; was the main judge, as well as the manager for the revival of Menudo – a Latino-US crossover boy band from the 80’s. Despite my lack of professional training, I ended up a finalist and was told personally by Mr. Wright, that I could not be chosen, simply because I was not a US citizen. This was a setback, but I was not daunted and I looked for more opportunities.
Since September of this year, I have been participating in El Salvador’s first music reality show called “Cantando Por Un Sueño” (Singing for a dream). Based loosely on programs like Dancing with the Stars, here a “celebrity” and an amateur “dreamer” were paired and went through weekly televised training and contests. A pair would be eliminated weekly and the winner’s dream was made a reality. As a kind of charitable show, the dreams all involved helping others with severe problems: cousins in comas, family members that needed operations, etc. I was privileged in being invited as a “celebrity” and for the past few weeks, I have been working with my dreamer to perform on a how that has already broken all records as the most viewed show in Salvadoran history.
From these experiences, my initial fears were waylaid; there definitely is still interest in the arts. And through my many activities and performances, I have discovered that the arts are not only basic to education, but are cost-effective, promote tourism, and encourage social and civic commitment. My goal at this time is to attend Syracuse where I can pursue a degree in communications. A solid background in this area will allow me to solidify my foundations for my future plans. Along the way, I also plan to take advantage of opportunities to continue my acting and singing.
After graduation, my own sueño is to eventually return to El Salvador and establish more resources for the arts. From my experiences, I have seen multitudes of people with talent, but without the proper opportunities to be trained or have their talents put to use. As I was without any anxieties or hesitations so many years ago before my first live appearance, I now eagerly await to face the challenges as (college name) prepares me for my future.

ANSWER
I work for an online editing and proofreading service that revises a lot of college entry essays. Please see my profile for more info. I won’t review your whole essay here but I will show you the changes I would make to your first paragraph.

I have loved being in front of an audience since I sang a duet during a live concert in front of seven thousand spectators. I was only ten years old, but I can still recall that rather than being nervous, I could hardly wait to perform my part. Since then, I have realized that the stage is an ideal medium to communicate, where I can make people laugh, cry and think about different issues. I can convey my emotions and my ideas. I enjoy performing for my family, friends, or anyone who is willing to watch. I have performed magic, sung, danced and acted. I had to develop my talent on my own. The entertainment industry in my native El Salvador, a developing nation with limited resources, is practically non-existent. The lack of funds seems to have killed any interest in the arts as well.

I have simplified your sentences and cut out some unnecessary details. The essay reads better without them. I have rephrased the sentences that contain “the most frustrating thing” and “it never mattered”. “Thing” and “it” in an essay should always have a specific answer to the question, “What is this ‘thing’?” or “What is ‘it’?” If you don’t know, always rewrite the sentence. Good luck!