College Essay ? Am I off to a good start ?

College Essay ? Am I off to a good start ?
I’m applying for IUP. I want to study Fashion Merchandising. I hear its not that hard to get into. I really want to go there. My HS grades aren’t the best so I feel like an essay will help my chances. I just want to know if I’m starting good. If not, can you give me some tips ?

This is my chance to prove myself. I’ve struggled 3 out of the four years of high school simply because I didn’t apply myself. I thought working, being trendy, shopping 24/7 , and doing what other teens do was more important. I finally realized none of that is going to help me get to the career of my dreams. During these four years I was basically just trying to find myself. I haven’t yet but I have found my strengths.

What else do i include ? What should i improve on? What do you suggest? Email’s are appreciated.

I agree with other commenters that you can say this with a much more positive spin.

Since before I started high school, I’ve been fascinated by style and fashion. I remember studying magazines and store displays, wondering how I could convince my mother that I needed money for … I love to shop — whether I have money to spend or I’m just checking out what’s new. My friends all turn to me when they have questions about … Of course, then, as soon as I was old enough to work part-time, I got a job at …. Through this work as a sales assistant and now as a shift manager, I’ve learned more about the fashion industry and become even more intrigued.

Then talk more about what you’ve accomplished at the job. Window displays? Special memories of helping customers? Responsibility gained and skills learned?

Then you talk about goals – whether you have a specific one or whether you just want to mention several facets of fashion merchandising – and about how their program will help you get there.