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09/07/2019

Could someone as native speaker help me to check my article(grammar mistakes and contents) about whether people are dependent nowadays.?

QUESTION
Could someone as native speaker help me to check my article(grammar mistakes and contents) about whether people are dependent nowadays.?
Some people think individuals are more and more dependent on each other. Some people think individuals are more and more independent. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.
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(first two paragraphs)
Recently, the issue of whether individuals are more and more dependent on each other have brought into public focus. From my own perspective, some social activities like Internet surfing and environmental preservation have created a bridge to link each people in our life and due to this fact, the relationship between each person would become harder and harder.

Among the countless factors which influence me, there are two conspectus aspects. First of all, base on the technical progress, people have established a complex net for connecting others. For example, there are increasingly numbers of computer and Internet literate and they apply advanced Information superhighway to go into cyberspace. Specifically, they could take a series of social activities through clicking the keyboard merely such as e-business and distance education, which accelerate the flow of information at the meantime. Inevitably, the easy-accessible virtual life as well as social interaction would stimulate people getting more and more dependent.

(continuing by attachment)

ANSWER
I will be brutally honest with you- this essay is giving me a headache. A well written essay is constructed with good structure, and 100% honest and clear. Every single fact is backed up, and when it is not a fact (in other words, opinion) it is never disguised as a fact.

From the start:
“Recently, the issue of whether individuals are more and more dependent on each other have brought into public focus” – really? what public focus? can you cite a newspaper article or a public debate that asks such question? If you don’t have proof, do not state as so as it is painfully obvious that you just made up that sentence to make the essay look more important.
” From my own perspective, some social activities like Internet surfing and environmental preservation have created a bridge to link each people in our life and due to this fact, the relationship between each person would become harder and harder. ” – whoa a lot of rambled thoughts in one sentence. Do not rush here. Break this up, discuss in several sentences, and provide examples. You are not in a race to cram as many words in one sentence. Your primary goal is to make discussions and to explain your perspective. Also, clarify your phrases. For example, when you say”internet surfing,” I immediately think of person sitting alone clicking through different websites, which seems to contradict your qualifier, that is, “social activities.”

Second paragraph:
“Among the countless factors which influence me, there are two conspectus aspects.” – this is just awkward and doesn’t belong. You already mentioned in the introduction paragraph the two topics, so stating it again is plain redundant. You also did not provide any new information or new knowledge – you simply stated the same statement in fancier words. This is just plain tacky. In addition, you mention two aspects, but the second aspect is not discussed until the following paragraph. The first sentence should mention something about the “internet surfing” instead.
” First of all, base on the technical progress, people have established a complex net for connecting others.” – again, awkward. If possible you should never start a sentence with “first of all,” It’s just bad form. You are not being very clear.. again. Slow down and explain your points! What do you mean when you say “technical progress” – what specific progresses are you talking about? What are some examples? How do people connect with others? In what way? How exactly are people becoming more dependent?

– add “individuals” after internet literate
– fix “apply advanced information super highway” – what does that mean?
– replace “they could take” with “they could engage in”
– replace “through clicking the keyboard” with “simply by clicking their mouse” or “simply by typing on their keyboard”
-Replace “merely…..” Instead, start a new sentence. the existing sentence is too long
– it’s “in the meantime” not “at the meantime”
– replace “easy-accessible” with “easily accessible”

Third paragraph:
You start this paragraph as if it’s in the middle of a paragraph. Clarify what “this argument” is as it is appropriate to restate some of the previous points in a new paragraph. Again, explain some of your phrases. What does “overloaded development” mean?
-“made people must be resolved together” – awkward. Replace with “influenced people to work together more effectively”
– remove “the” before “environmental preservation.
– clarify “main issues” – what kind of main issues?
-“disastrous deforestation” : awkward. Deforestation is disastrous? as in.. it failed? Why not replace it with
-“cut down our pure homeland for descendant” -grammatically incorrect, vague, and awkward. Why not replace with something along the lines of “Our descendants will inherit the Earth which we are destroying at at an alarming rate with massive deforestation”
– replace “decade” with “decades”
-I have no idea what you mean by “indispensably remedial measures in interdependent ways” – stop throwing words around just because they sound fancy and sophisticated. You are certainly not delivering any convincing argument.
– “specifically….” – break it up into 2 or more sentences. For instance, stop the sentence after reforestation, and make “It is impossible…” a new sentence

the last paragraph:
again.. too many ideas in one sentence – break that up. Also, do not start the paragraph with a sentence referring to other paragraphs. Instead, (“all of the above reasons”) specify them.