Could you grade this SAT I essay?
Can you please grade this SAT I practice essay I wrote on a scale of 0-12? The prompt was about whether or not lives are dependent on choices. Thank you so much!
Although people may believe that lives are predestined before their birth, this is not true. In fact, choices are the most powerful tools for people to steer their lives with. Through hard work, intelliegence, and other attributes that can be gained, people can live however they choose to. As Benjamin Franklin’s rise to fame and Hitler’s rise to power demonstrate, the choices we make are the directions we take our lives.
A clear example of how lives are dynamic and determined by choices is Benjamin Franklin’s journey from poverty to fame. Upon arriving in the New World colonies, Franklin had on him only his clothes and three pennies. Soon after, he bought three loaves of bread and began working various odd jobs. After gaining several important skills and a vital wealth of experience, he began to gather fame as a great New World thinker, scientist, and politician. All the small choices he made led him to become a leader in a new nation, and even the writer of the Declaration of Independence. Throughout all his modest beginnings he constantly envisioned the idea of a self-made man shaping an ever-changing life. Benjamin Franklin’s life story, from insignificance to fame, is a testimony to the power choices have on lives.
In a darker light, Hitler’s rise to power also attests to the power individuals have to shape their own lives. As a young man, Hitler strove to become an artist. After several failed attempts and rejections from art schools though, he soon chose to turn his life in a different direction. Hitler chose to run for political positions, all the while envisioning a Thrid Reich, a new rise of German power. Through various propaganda strategies and his constant cry for the extermination of “people unworthy of life,” Hitler became prominent in the German government. At last, with his book on the German economic enigma’s solution, he was finally voted into the highest position in the government. This disturbing but clear example of Hitler’s decisions shaping his life demonstrates how lives are dependent on choices. None of his accomplishments would have been achieved had it not been for his choice to make them happen. Hitler’s rise in Germany demonstrates the enormous power choices have on lives.
As we can see, lives are not static and predestined. Lives are ever-changing and always able to be driven in different directions. As Benjamin Franklin’s journey from insignificance to fame and Hitler’s rise in the German government demonstrate, decisions shape lives. Without decisions, live would wither and be useless attributes of existence. But through choices, is how how lives are changed.
I think that this essay deserves a 4. Let me explain why. I like your intro and conclusion. But your body paragraphs are lacking in that it doesn’t explain your examples that well. You should explain more about Ben Franklins rise from poverty, don’t just tell, Show! Telling and not explaining does not cut it and get you a 6 or even 5 on the SAT Essay portion. The same goes for the example on Hitler, you explain way too much about the history and you don’t analyze enough. You should explain more about the transition from the individuals’ predestination to poverty into fame and power. Tell more about how they overcame the odds of reliving their familys’ problems(i think their background wasn’t too fabulous) and creating a strong independent and successful life for themselves. I would give this a 4 though. Keep up the work!