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09/07/2019

could you please get a band score to my IELTS essay?

QUESTION
could you please get a band score to my IELTS essay?
topic:some parents let their children live in another country or a bigger city and study in a college. Is it a positive development? What are the reasons? Give examples and state your opinion.

Nowadays, some young students are let to study abroad by their parents. However it has some negative psychological effects, it is totally is an effective improvement in their living skills. The aforementioned will be enlightened more.

In the first place, both depression and anxiety can be mentioned as two worst effects of inhabiting and studying abroad especially during adolescence period. The most important reason is that youth have more sensitive spirits therefore they need more attention and support than adults. Moreover, studying can be a stressful process that creates more psychological pressure on students. As a result, students maybe faced with educational failure during their college. According to recent research that has been carried out in UCL University, educational performance of student mostly is being threatened by depression and anxiety. It is suggested by experts that young students especially who live independently should use relaxation techniques, do exercises and keep a close relationship with their parents to avoid detrimental aspects of going abroad.

Aside from few negative effects, continuing education in a foreign city or country is a unique and perfect experience. Youth learn how to react to social challenges, how to treat people in real world and gain a great deal of knowledge about living methods. As they experience living alone, they have to solve their social and personal problems solitarily. Therefore, their mental abilities like social problem solving and self confidence are going to be improved. Not only social and psychological abilities will be influenced but also their economical and financial managing abilities will be organized more effective, and of course this is not all.

To put the whole issue in a nutshell, I myself to a great extent agree with the idea of studying abroad because of the fact that its merits of considerably are more.

ANSWER
Your overall style is good but there are some mistakes you could easily correct by being more careful with certain details:

> However it has some negative psychological effects

In the context you’re using it, ‘however’ is not the right term. It should be ‘Although’.

>The aforementioned will be enlightened more.

The aforementioned what? If you mean living skills (itself a tad ‘odd’ phrase, though not incorrect per se), it’s better if you drop ‘the aforementioned’, change the full stop by a comma and use a relative clause:

‘…it is largely an effective improvement in their livinghood, which will be further enlightened’ (I changed ‘totally’ as it’s too informal and copy-edited the style a bit in order to make it more academic and essay-like, not so much as a ‘twit’).

> can be mentioned as two worst effects

‘…can be mentioned as two disfavourable effects’ or ‘…can be mentioned as the two worst effects’: ‘worst’ has to have (in this context) a ‘the’ preceding the number (‘two’ in this case). So, drop the superlative (‘worst’) or add an article.

> of inhabiting and studying abroad especially during adolescence period.

‘Period’ is redudant, unless you preceed ‘adolescence’ with ‘the’ (which is still a bit redundant). ‘Inhabiting’ isn’t quite correct in this case… I mean, it’s not ‘wrong’ per se but it’s somehow unnatural in English. For this particular context, the much more common and less pseudo-formal ‘living’ is way better.

> The most important reason is that youth have more sensitive spirits

Technically, ‘youth’ is singular. So, you could use ‘youth has…’ (not recommended, although it’s not incorrect) or ‘young people have…’ (preferred for this case, especially as you later wrote ‘they need…’).

> Moreover, studying can be a stressful process that creates more psychological pressure on students.

It’s a bit redundant to use ‘studying’ and ‘students’ on the same sentence. You could try some synonyms: ‘students undergo a stressful process that creates additional psychological pressure’ or ‘studying can be a stressful process that creates more psychological pressure on people.’

> As a result, students maybe faced with educational failure during their college.

‘Their’ is redundant.

> According to recent research that has been carried out in UCL University, educational performance of student mostly is being threatened

‘…educational performance of a student’ or ‘…educational performance of students’. ‘Mostly’ goes between ‘is’ and ‘being’: ‘is mostly being threatened’, not ‘mostly is being threatened’.

> It is suggested by experts that young students especially who live independently

‘…especially those who live independently…’

> do exercises

It may be misleading: do you mean do physical activity, sports, go to the gym and so on? If so, you could try ‘work out’ instead of ‘do exercises’. If you mean (which I don’t think you do, but still) reinforce their academic skills (as in solving mathematical problems or play piano scales), then ‘practise’ is better.

> continuing education in a foreign city or country is a unique and perfect experience.

Unique: Good. Perfect: It’s not appropriate for an essay. It’s more suitable for an e-mail, for instance.

> Youth learn how to react to social challenges

There you are indeed using ‘youth’ correctly. Nice choice of words.

> As they experience living alone, they have to solve their social and personal problems solitarily.

‘Solitarily’ may not be the best option here: ‘by themselves’ is much clearer and more accurate.

> their economical and financial managing abilities will be organized more effective

…more effectively

> To put the whole issue in a nutshell

Way too informal.

> I myself to a great extent agree with the idea of studying abroad because of the fact that its merits of considerably are more.

…its merits are considerably more.

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All in all, I’d give you a six. You can do a lot better, but you’ve got strong foundations which is the most important aspect.