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09/07/2019

Could you proof-read my short essay?

QUESTION
Could you proof-read my short essay?
The subject is the meaning of life, any help would be great:

In contemporary society, the definition of life is debatable. Life is not viewed as valuable, but as an insignificant occurrence used for debauchery, and selfish gain till it expires. While there are exceptions, the state of which the majority is in shows an overall disrespect, even contempt, for the provision of life. Since life is a miraculous occurrence, strenuous efforts should be made to keep it.
Two weeks ago, a movie was released as the fifth sequel to a popular franchise. It features a serial killer who would kidnap people he decided unappreciative of life and place them in contraptions that would dismember and kill them in gruesome fashions. If entertainment reflects the feelings of viewers than what has society come to? Life is now viewed as expendable. Like the ancient Syrians who lined their outer walls with living children, the populous has been desensitized to the loss of life, and often forgets its value. Some even come to take their own lives when faced with obstacles. In Shakespeare play, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, Hamlet struggles with his inner self to decide whether he should kill himself after his father is killed by his uncle. He concludes that because of the uncertainty of death he will live, unfortunately not all faced with a similar dilemma have come to that conclusion.
So why should life be valued? Considering the fact that life exists is staggering itself. Whether or not someone believes in a Creator, it is undeniable that the process in which we are made, and the order applied to the universe is incredible. To waste such natural marvels would benefit no one; to destroy them intentionally would be ludicrous.
Life is not a meaningless period of existence; it is an opportunity to experience the wonder of nature around us, build relationships, and to strive for meaning in this world. If this opportunity is wasted it is a tremendous loss. Rather than for wasteful practices, life should be used to benefit others, subsequently adding to our lives.

ANSWER
You did a good job. A few things I noticed, though:

You do love your commas! If you’ve done a paper for this teacher before, you already know their feeling about the usage of commas. (Some teachers love ’em, some…not so much.) In the first two sentences alone you have three unnecessary commas.

I know you can’t do it with Y!A, but “Hamlet, Prince of Denmark” needs to be underlined.

Varying sentence structure is important. You seem to have a habit of putting the consequence before the cause. (“Rather than…life should”) If you switch this up a few times and make two sentences out of that it would break up the monotony and improve the flow dramatically. Also, take out your second semi-colon (Life is not… ; it is…). Make that two sentences as well. It’s too long as it is.