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09/04/2019

Could you rate my SAT essay ?

QUESTION
Could you rate my SAT essay ?
Hi,

I need you to rate my SAT essay from 0-6, please.

Assignment : Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?

Essay :

Contrary to the beliefs of most people, Conscience has always led humans. For example, Spartacus who was killed by Rome to launch a series of rebellions against slavery. Also, Mari Curie who exposed herself to hazardous experiments to develop Science. And, Galilee who revolutionized Science and who was decapitated for his discoveries and theories.
Spartacus, a Thracian gladiator, launched a rebellion against slavery in Ancient Rome, even though he knew that he will be crucified. He died for freedom and neglected all the gold he was gaining as a gladiator and all his fame as the “Bringer of Rain”.
Also, there is the example of Marie Curie, who was a female physicist born in Poland, and who discovered Nuclear Radiations. She died due to her frequent exposures to radiations and sacrificed herself for Science.
Finally, there is the example of Galilee, who discovered that Earth is spherical and that it is orbiting around the sun. The Roman Catholic Church asked him to dismiss his theory and threatened to decapitate him. He bravely chose to be killed for Science.
Many examples from History have proven that wealth, fame and power are not the only motivators for men and that conscience could be the most powerful one.

Thanks.

ANSWER
I like that you have used historical examples, however, if your examples are not accurate, then you will be marked down. You also haven’t touched upon or compared to people who are motivated by greed or fame/power (a part of the question). You should always touch on both sides of the viewpoint in your SAT essay, otherwise they will mark you down on that, as well. Other than that, your grammar and sentence structure is good, as is your vocabulary. I would give you a 4/6

Historically: Galilee was a city in the Bible. Galileo Galilei is the Astronomer from history. He was not killed for Science. In fact, he did originally hold to his beliefs, but when finally accused of heresy, he recanted and said that his writings may have lead people to believe Capernican views that were not true and in Biblical teachings. The Church allowed him to live a full and long life (though under constant review of the church). Galilei died of a heart attack at age 77.

Marie Curie and her husband were amazing pioneers in the medical uses of radiation. However, no one knew of radiation poisoning at the time that they were doing their experiments. In fact, they were really the first noted victims. Had they realized at the time they began their tests that it would be lethal to them both, they likely would have taken different precautions or even stopped their research.