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09/08/2019

Does my friend want benefits?

QUESTION
Does my friend want benefits?
Me and this girl hav been friends for a little over a year now (met freshman year of college). She broke up with her long term bf over winter break the previous school year and was in a really casual thing with this guy for awhile but it didn’t work out because he was clingy and kinda a douche (so she said). So she was telling me on facebook how she wants to be in a casual thing again but not with that guy. She told me how she’d want it to be and I told her that I felt the same way (but we were just talking, not setting up a fwb thing). And then she said “you are too handsome to not have a picture of yourself for your profile pic” and she told me she wanted to take pics of me. And then she told me about how she kind of regretted hooking up with my friend which made me wonder if she was telling me that so I didn’t feel discouraged? And I started to remember how once she told me I was the perfect body type for her and that I was cute etc. Anyway what do you think? Does she wanna be friends with benefits? If so what shall I do? I’m pretty indifferent about this, I’d be happy just being her friend, she is pretty hot tho lol 😛

I should mention that she is generally quite an affectionate person.

sorry for the essay, I’ll answer one of yours!

ANSWER
First of all, what do YOU want? Do you want fwb, do you want a relationship with her? Or do you just want to be friends.

If you want friends only, like you have now, you should just “not hear” what she’s saying. Let it all go over your head. Otherwise she’s going to get hurt. If you want a relationship, now is the time to declare yourself. She has certainly opened the door for that. So, tell her, “Let’s go out as a couple sometime, okay?”

Finally, if you want fwb with her, in some ways that’s the hardest to maintain, because both of you must be on *exactly* the same page. That means you need to discuss it very carefully before you get into it. It’s actually easier to begin a relationship than a fwb arrangement. With a relationship, you can say to yourself and each other, “I don’t know where this is going. I just want to find out.”

But with fwb, you have to know exactly where it’s going, and you need to have rules about it. For example, you have to agree whether you can sleep with other people while you are together. Most couples say no; no other fwb’s, and if either of you get into a real relationship, the fwb is put on hold. But you could have different rules, so long as you both agree. Most important, however, is that you need to agree that this is only about sex. No getting emotional and no getting too involved. No relationship is going to come of it, and you are just helping each other out through a dry spell.

Sorry for going on so long, but the bottom line is that you need to work out your own desires here, and then bring them up to her. Good luck with however it works out.