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09/04/2019

Help I need someone to “peer review” my career essay. Just need advice Thanks guys you rock!!?

QUESTION
Help I need someone to “peer review” my career essay. Just need advice Thanks guys you rock!!?
Just need someone to help me review my essay. Punctuation,sentense,structure,Is the quotation right (I do not know if the its “sentence.” (Author). Or just any advice or critic will help me….but the biggest help I need is with commas (puntuation.I have no idea where I am missing commas) Thanks guys you rock!

My Career Choice
I have always dreamed of becoming a nurse ever since I was a little girl. I use to play with my father’s stethoscope and listen to his heartbeat. Every time I would listen to his heartbeat, he would say “Giselle you are going to be a wonderful nurse someday.” I would look at my Dad and smile. Becoming a nurse is my passion. When I think about helping people I feel warm inside. I think people should receive the proper care and love that they deserve when they are being treated by their nurses. I want to be a nurse because I have always been interested in the medical field, make a difference in the lives of patients, and this is a career that suits me.
I want to be a nurse because I want to be able to go to a job that I enjoy every day. It is my duty to stay on track with my education in order to pursue my dream and learn to be an outstanding nurse. “A nurse’s job is to observe, assess and record patient symptoms, reactions and progress.” (Adams). Nurses have their work cut out for them, but I am perfect for the job. I would like to work at Buckhead Medical Center in Atlanta, Jackson Memorial Hospital, or Providence Hospital in North Carolina. I think these three places have an environment where a nurse can excel and they have an ample amount of patients coming in every day. I would feel right at home in either one of my top three choices.
I want to make a difference in the lives of patients. I would attend Penn Nursing Science, University of Pennsylvania School of Nursing. This will give me the adequet training that I need to become a nurse. I will learn how to care for patients effectively and efficiently. University of Pennsylvania is one of the top nursing schools in Ameirca. They will provide me with the skills that I will need as a Clinical Nurse Specialist. “A Clinical Nurse Specialist (CNS) is an advanced practice nurse who directly influences health outcomes by providing expert patient care and assisting patients in the prevention and resolution of illness when a medical diagnosis or treatment of disease, injury and disability is warranted.” (Meleis). I have an opportunity to adquire the knowledge that I need to become an exeptional nurse. According to Herzing University, my salary will range between $65,000 to $73,000 a year. (Rodriguez). I look forward in delivering high quality healthcare to patients for countless years.
People who are in the nursing profession feel that nursing is a great career path. Many of them think it is safe to stick with a local hospital, clinic, or medical center in the area because there are various risks with becoming a traveling nurse. “Even the best laid plans are in hazard when unexpected situations arise, and it is to be expected that when a nurse is travelling interstate or abroad, unplanned events can occur such as, breakdowns, accidents or unexpected alterations to a nurse’s assignment.”(Mateo). If I had to travel around the globe to find work, I would consider Heal Africa Hospital, Apollo Hospitals in India, and Memorial Hospital in Cuba. I feel that these hospitals need my assistance because there are a lot of people in need in these less developed countries. Ten years from now I want to volunteer and go around the world and help doctors on a mission to cure patients in poor areas.
In closing, I look forward to becoming a nurse once I graduate from college. It will be an honor for me to be able to touch and captivate so many lives in the medical field. I know I will have to work numerous hours but at the end it will all be worth it. I believe if I can dream it, I will achieve it.

ANSWER
Ok, I like the essay. I was pretty interested while reading it. One problem however, I felt like I was just reading what’s thrown at me and there didn’t seem to be much order. So let’s talk about structure. Keep in mind that ALL great essays have that basic structure which we learned years ago.

I. Introduction
You did a good job in telling the reader what your essay is about. Introductions are usually like 5 sentences, but its important that it grabs the reader. I liked the little story about your dad, keeps the reader interested. One thing I would suggest, is to have a thesis statement somewhere in the end of your introduction.

II. Body
Now, if you have that thesis that we spoke about.. It makes your essay flow so much better. What you do is, for each part of your body you speak about one aspect of your thesis. I saw you have been jumping back and forth between subjects in the different paragraphs. Try to keep it together. For instance, one paragraph you can speak about why you decided you wanted to be a nurse(every single thing that brought you to that conclusion), another paragraph about why you want to help people, then another you can speak about the colleges etc, after that you can use another paragraph to state what you would like to accomplish as a nurse (note that essays DO NOT have to have exactly 3 body paragraphs). You have to be deep about it, show how much you are really interested in this career, show your love and care for people. Stories always help essays because they keep it interesting, maybe if you had a story about a sick person whom you helped? Or saw someone suffering and you just couldn’t sit there watching, you really wanted to reach out there and help that person? Things like these help to strengthen your body paragraphs and captivate the reader.

III. Conclusion
You don’t need to say in closing or in conclusion etc. The reader sees he/she is on the last paragraph, so they know that’s your conclusion. Do not introduce anything you haven’t said in your introduction and body paragraphs. All you do in read the paragraphs you have written above and simply summarize each. You then put those summaries into a little paragraph and that’s your conclusion. Follow this guideline and I assure you your essay with be magnificent.

O and, when you were stating your sources, you have “sentence.” (Author). You need to remove that period after (Author). because it is unnecessary and out of place when writing in this format. It should look like “sentence.”(Author) Also, you need to spell check the essay because there are a few words that are misspelled. I edited the entire essay and was going to put it in my answer but yahoo said it was too long to post so I’m sorry about that. O and you have a few run on sentences (I would suggest making them two sentences or using a semi colon.)

Well that’s all, I wish you all the best on your essay.