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09/04/2019

help me edit my scholarship essay?

QUESTION
help me edit my scholarship essay?
can someone please help me edit my scholarship essay and give me suggestions please.
Without a college education many job opportunities would be limited. A college education not only provides a person with experiences, increased knowledge, and life lessons but it also opens a variety of opportunities in the working force, giving a better chance for success. High school students who pursue a higher education have more options when it comes to jobs; they have better career opportunities and can assist our knowledge based economy.
Our society’s workforce has become extremely competitive and many jobs are scarce. People without a degree have less options and usually have low paying jobs. It is tougher to find a job without a degree. These are some of the reasons why I desire to continue my higher education. I would like to have a job were I can have stability, satisfaction,security, benefits and much more but this can not be possible without an education. I want to be able to succeed, help out my community, and serve out as a role model for my brother and others. I also want to be able to support my family when I grow up because nothing of what I have done would have been possible without their support. I believe that an education is not simply going to school and learning the subject matter, it’s more than that. An education is the key to success.
My goals are to graduate from high school and attend a four year college. I plan to major in international business while following a pre –med path. Then I will continue my education by attending medical school and becoming a pediatric oncologist. Since an early age I discovered that my career path to follow would be in the medical field. I’ve always been passionate about helping others and making a difference in someone’s life.
In the summer of 2009 I attended a forum of medicine at the University of Emory. The program was offered by the National Youth Leadership Forum of medicine. This experience helped me confirm that medicine is what I want. I was able to shadow a doctor, learn important and interesting information, and I was also able to help in a hospital and watch live surgeries. The following summer I volunteer in a hospital in Medellin, Colombia. This experience left me with a better appreciation of life and with a commitment to help those in need. I want to able to travel around the world and help as many people as I can. The Colombian experience really opened my eyes and helped me understand how fortunate I am.
Dropping out or failing, is not an option for me. The desire to Succeed and make a difference is what motivates me everyday. Through my high school years I’ve always tried to give the best of me while being active in my community and school. In my school I’m involved in several clubs and sports. During my senior year I had an emergency surgery for appendicitis. Unfortunately, I had to miss over two weeks of school right before finals. When I got back to school I had two days to make up all my missing assignments, tests, homework’s, understand all the material I missed and study for finals. It was hard to make up all the work for six classes and deal with my physical pain do to my surgery. I was able to turn in all my assignments, take my finals and still managed to get good grades.

ANSWER
First, anyone on the college admissions board who would be reading your essay is looking first and foremost for what is unique about you. This helps them judge whether or not to admit you. They already knows that college education helps people get better jobs. If you are applying to a large school that gets a lot of applicants, you may not get the admission boards to read past the first 12 sentences as they are very generic. I would eliminate them all together and start with something that will grab their attention. I’ve edited your essay below and put additional comments in brackets.

I’ve always been passionate about helping others and making a difference in someone’s life. Since an early age I decided [you can’t discover your career, you decide it] that my career path would be in the medical field. I hope to majoring first in international business, then attend medical school to become a pediatric oncologist. [My next thought if I were the admissions person is, so why medicine, and why international business instead of biology or chemisty or more common pre-med majors? ]
In the summer of 2009 I attended a forum of medicine at the University of Emory, offered by the National Youth Leadership Forum of medicine. [Your next sentences tell me what you did, but do not reveal WHY it interests you. Perhaps say sometime like: This experience helped confirm my interest in medicine. By shadowing a doctor, helping in a hospital and watching live surgeries, I felt, I thought, I realized….finish the sentence with sometime that reveals something about you.]
The following summer I volunteered in a hospital in Medellin, Colombia. This experience left me with a better appreciation of life and with a commitment to help those in need. I want to able to travel around the world and help as many people as I can. The Colombian experience really opened my eyes and helped me understand how fortunate I am. [Is this why you want to major in international business, because you want to travel? if so, it is not obvious.]

[Your next paragraph is a drastic change of subject and need a better transition. I included one]
I realize that I will face a lot of challenges in order to meet by goals. but I am no stranger to challenge. The desire to succeed and make a difference is what motivates me everyday. Fir example, during my senior year I had an emergency surgery for appendicitis, and missed more than two weeks of school right before finals. When I got back to school I had two days to make up all the work for six classes, and study for finals while still dealing with physical pain due to my surgery. Despite this obstacle, I was able to turn in all my assignments, take my finals and still managed to get good grades.

Through my high school years I’ve always tried to give the best of me while being active in my community and school. I’m involved in several clubs and sports. [This sentence is way too generic and reveals nothing about you. If you want to mention which clubs and sports and community activities you participate in, and show how they shaped you as an individual, I would include something about them; otherwise I would leave it out]

[You need a better conclusion; you begin talking about passion and helping people and making a difference; your conclusion should find a way to tie back to that,]