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09/08/2019

help on my essay grammar, plzz :)?

QUESTION
help on my essay grammar, plzz :)?
hiii
I speak English as my second language, so I need a little help
on my essay 😀
thank you very much and happy new year!
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Like every kid, I thought I will never die when I was young. Death was not a concept familiar to a little girl. I naïvely believed that by the time I get old, technology would have been so developed that no one dies anymore. So when my beloved grandma was declared to have alzheimer’s disease, I could not understand what it means. I thought it is like fever that can be healed by a couple of pills. But my grandma, who used to teach me all the names of the flowers on our backyard and knit warm mufflers and sweaters for me, was never able to recognize her own granddaughter again until she died in September, 2003. Ever since then, it became a habit of me to read any article that talks about dementia. I wanted to know what it is that took my grandma away from our family. I studied what cerebral hemisphere is. I learned how neuron system works. But that was not enough to comfort my grief of losing her. “If people cannot be immortal, at least they should live happily as long as they live,” I began to think. I started to dream of a world where no one has to go through the pain of losing his or her beloved ones. And if I can contribute even a slightest bit to make this happen, there would be nothing more blissful to me. I have heard of the prestige of the college of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University. I wish to study neurobiology, specifically behavioral neuroscience. I am confident that the brilliant faculties and organized programs at Cornell will provide me opportunities to expand my knowledge and approach one step toward my dream. My beginnings might seem humble, but at Cornell University my future will be prosperous.
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plz do not hesitate to let me know
if you have any better suggestion for the syntax, diction etc..^^

ANSWER
Like every little girl, when I was young I thought I *would never die. Death was not a concept familiar to *me. I naïvely believed that by the time I *grew up technology would have been so *advanced that no one *died anymore. *I did not understand what it meant when my beloved grandma was *diagnosed *with *Alzheimer’s *Disease. I thought *it was *a fever that *could *simply be healed by a couple of pills.

My grandma used to teach me *the names of the flowers *in our backyard and knit warm mufflers and sweaters for me. ??I was (sad) when my grandma was*unable to recognize *me. She died in September, 2003. *Since then, *I made it a habit *to read any article about dementia. I wanted to *understand *the illness that took my grandma away from our family. I *learned about the cerebral hemisphere *and how the *nervous system works *but that was not enough to (ease..help?) *my grief *over her *death.

I began to think that if people cannot be immortal they should *at least *be *happy for as long as they live. I started to dream of a world where no one has to go through the pain of losing *their *loved ones. *It would be blissful if I could contribute even *the slightest to make this happen.

*I wish to study behavioral neuroscience at the *prestigious College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University. I am confident *the brilliant *faculty and the organized programs at Cornell will provide *the opportunities to expand my knowledge and *provide a step toward *achieving my dream.

My beginnings *may seem humble, but my future will be prosperous at Cornell University *and my grandma…
….will have made a bigger difference in my life than she will ever know.

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This is a sweet essay 🙂

Some people would suggest changing “Grandma” to “Grandmother,” but I think “Grandma” is charming.

I tried to maintain your writing style and mostly rearranged a few of your sentences and fixed a few tenses. I am not as proficient at conjugating verbs so some things may sound passive, formal or stilted.

I don’t understand “Ever since,” so it could be ok.
I was a little unsure about the sentiment in the sentence related to your grandmother’s death. My apology if I am mistaken.

Feel free to change the closing sentence. I would add one as it ties your future aspirations to the impact your grandmother has made in your life.