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09/08/2019

help on revising an essay! …..?

QUESTION
help on revising an essay! …..?
I need a little help on my essay because the person who edited my paper obviously said that my paper was vague and I need a lot of work. If you can, can you give me a suggested thesis and check for some errors and give me comments on some suggestions you think it can be better. Thanks (:

Question: How is the game of Monopoly especially the process of playing and winning like or unlike life?? (Focus on 1 or 2 aspects of life that can be illuminated by their similarities and/or differences of to the game.

Monopoly, who doesn’t know what that means. This word is used since settlers started settling in the United States and business rising for success. All of it relates to business and life especially in this game. What takes the risk? It depends on yourself. It is a game; you either will lose or win. It all depends if its on the right time and decision.
But first, not a lot of people know the monopoly “game.” So technically, what is a Monopoly Game? It is a game of chance where you can earn the most property and money. And unlike some board games, this is kind of like a never ending game. This game can be described as a show which keeps repeating the same comedy joke over and over again for hours and you just want it to stop. This feeling wants you to make the decision in whether you want to keep going or you want to end it.
First reason monopoly can relate to your life is thing that you can pretty much think it on top of your head. Monopoly is placed out like a race to earn money. Similarly, life is a competitive race in whether we want to continue our path or go in a different path and wanting to experience something interesting than staying on a boring path. Monopoly is a game of chance and luck. In life, every time you make a move you are basically rolling the dice on your life. For example, think of a friend that wants to take another direction just to find another way of how life goes and you want to do the same thing too. You may end up succeeding in the path that you risk or you might as well be ending up like your friend stopping in the middle of the path realizing there is another road connected to it and you don’t even know which one you should even pick. Although you may have a direction you don’t know exactly where you will end up, it’s just sometimes out of control.
As for another reason, it can be related to economic and financial. For example in the game, the more properties you own, the more people landing on the land owes you money and they must pay the rent to you. You can become a big business owner and because of this, it allows you to cheat other businesses, leading them into bankruptcy and allowing you to become even more successful. The richer gets richer, the poorer gets poorer. Everything may look like a basket of plums, and then suddenly you get some bad rolls and you’re broke or in jail. Current success will not guarantee further success. There is no way to predict exactly how things are going to turn out. You just have to grab those dice and keep on rolling, even when times are tough.
Therefore, a lot of people in this world are just like what we are doing, playing monopoly games. We are considering ourselves to follow the right path of success but instead, we want to end up risking it and we either ending up winning or loosing. So no matter what you do, always remember that this can be serious between life and death situation.

ANSWER
It is very vague. First of all I would lose the questions in the essay. The first sentence is an abhorrent way to start. I think you, yourself have a misunderstanding of the term monopoly. Clearly define it, don’t assume people know what it means. Your analogies are weak too – the comedy one doesn’t make what you’re saying clear.

The sentences do not flow well, and your last sentence is completely absurd. There are a lot of fragments and incomplete thoughts.

A stronger essay would focus on how it is both and unlike life (even though it says or). I would work on adding transitions and streamlining your thinking. This is not a conversation, it is a written piece. Try to read what you wrote and imagine if someone else were to read it. The work clearly lacks clarity.