Close

09/08/2019

help with editing?

QUESTION
help with editing?
im 14, and i just had a very basic assignment to write a SHORT descriptive 3 paragraph descriptive writing. im a little stuck on how i should end it, and also do u have any editing ideas?

The moment that I stepped off of the airplane I was happily overwhelmed by the humid air, and the stunning tropical flowers. As we drove to our vacation cottage I could hardly noticed the huge resorts and the countless tourists. I was coming to the realization that I defiantly wasn’t in Alaska, but a place far more captivating.
I spent practically all of my time at the beach trying to absorb the sunlight, which I hadn’t done much of living in Alaska. When resting at the beach with my toes in the sand, I loved how content, warm, and free my mind felt. The sky was mostly cloudless, except when the mystic island decided to surprise us with a heavy rain. Within minutes of a downpour everything would become luscious and green again, and vibrant rainbows would appear in every valley.

ANSWER
This is a really good essay for a 14 year old. Below I have an updated version for you that has been edited. I changed very little of the context of the story…mainly grammatical corrections.

The moment that I stepped off the plane; I was giddy, happily overwhelmed by the humid air and stunning tropical flowers. As we drove to our vacation cottage, I hardly noticed the towering resorts and the sea of faceless tourists. I began to realize that I was no longer in Alaska, but a place far more vibrant.
I spent every waking moment on the beach bathed in a shower of sunlight. I had not done much of this while living in Alaska. While resting on the beach with my toes covered in sand, I loved how content, warm and free my mind felt. The sky was a cloudless blue, except when the mystic island decided to surprise me with a heavy rain. Within minutes, everything would become luscious and green again. Like magic, these vibrant rainbows would appear in every valley. I had finally found my little paradise.

I put that last sentence on your essay to cap your second paragraph. I think the essay sets a great mood. You give the reader a sense of joy and pleasure b/c that’s what the scene and mood evokes. Something that could really make an impact on the reader is if you use your last paragraph to turn the mood completely around. Everything so far has been nice and bubbly and joyous and pleasant (like a fantasy world). With your last paragrah, you should bring the reader back to reality. For example, while you’re lying there content and in bliss, all of a sudden -boink- a beach ball smacks you in the head. You look up and see your pesky little brother with a malicious grin on his face. And you realize that this vacation isn’t going to be any different from the other vacation you’ve taken b/c as always your brother has spoiled the mood. (or it could be your little sister, cousin, whatever). I think you know where I’m going with this. And keep writing. It was really good.