Help with scholarship essay?

Help with scholarship essay?
I’m applying for a scholarship, and am required to write an essay. The topic is “What Liberty Means to Me.” It doesn’t say anything about how long it has to be, so I just wrote a short, two paragraphs. If you could help me on grammer, tell me what needs to be improved, or let me know if what I wrote seems worthy of winning a local $1000 scholarship, that would be very helpful. Any imput or advice at all would be great. And keep in mind that this is the first draft:

I have heard and read about countries where women can’t dress the way they would like. In some of these places, women are forced to completely cover themselves with clothing. As a women, I can’t possibly imagine this. I have lived my whole life being able to express myself any way that I wanted, even if that meant wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt, or mismatching socks. Being confined to looking and acting only one way would erase every goal and dream I’ve had in life. I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Liberty, by definition, is the state of being free within society. Though this is true, I feel it is so much more than that. Liberty gives me the freedom to leave my mark in the world. I am a creative person, and as such I need to be able to think outside the box and shine as an individual. Liberty to me is being freed from seeing only black and white. With all of the colors, I can do so much more.

For a thousand dollar scholarship essay, this is both far too simplistic and far too short.

Liberty is about far more than clothing choice. If you’d like to go with a comparison type essay, do some research on what other *primary* liberties are denied to women who live in countries where they must cover themselves. I assure you, berkas are the least of their concern.

Keep working on this essay. You’ll get there. But at this point, there is much work to be done before you’ll have a prayer of a chance at winning.

~Dr. B.~