Homeschooling due to anxiety?
Sorry for the length of this, but I’d really appreciate if somebody answered.
I’m sixteen, and currently in year 11 – sitting my GCSE exams.
In fact, I have one in three hours :'(
Here’s my life story pretty much.
I was picked on pretty badly by a group in the year above me throughout years 8-10. I literally lived in fear of seeing them around school. That’s when my paranoia began. Other issues came up – my grandad passed away two years ago, I didn’t deal with it very well. Self-harm was a problem, although it isn’t anymore. But I stopped doing school work and everything was a bit too much, I guess. And panic attacks and anxiety started. Anyway, the school found out about the self-harm and that I was struggling, and ever since then, honestly, school has been a living nightmare for me.
The thought that the teachers know such personal things about my life makes me feel physically sick. I don’t know why, but if I see any teacher I associate with this, I’ll nearly start crying. It’s pathetic. I know most people don’t like teachers, but honestly, I can’t stand them. They make me feel so sick with embarrassment.
I’m so fearful and worried at school all the time, I permanently carry this stupid jumper around with me – I never put it down.
And at the moment, we’ve got our GCSE exams and it is doing my head in. I’m surrounded by people at the beginning outside the hall, and it is so horrible. I honestly just want to walk off sometimes. And then I’m surrounded by the teachers who know the stuff about my personal life, so I enter the exam all in a fluster because of that. And I can’t start my exam until those certain teachers leave the hall because I get so paranoid they’re watching me.
And I just hate it so much. And I don’t spend my time revising like I should, because every time I open the book, all I can think about is being stuck in that horrible hall, surrounded by teachers.
I’d be changing schools next year anyway – moving to a sixth form closer to home. But I don’t want to go to school if my life is going to be the same as it is now. I know I’d be much happier home schooling myself, but I don’t know how to talk to my mum seriously about it. I mention it all the time, and she knows I’m not exactly a very confident person, but I don’t think she thinks I actually mean it. And then there’s my grandma and grandad who are so ‘proud’ of me – god knows for what. I have a cousin who is the same year as me, and she’s bound to get all a*s in her GCSES, and then there will be me, who at the end of it tells them I won’t be going to school next year. I can honestly imagine my grandma having a heart attack if I told her that.
That side of the family know nothing about my anxiety.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. Anxiety is ruining my life. I refuse to do any sort of speaking assessments at school because it just sends me into this spiral of panic. I’ve lost marks before because of it – in english language I lost 10% as I refused to do a task where I had to speak in front of the class. Luckily, I still got an a* for the exam.
But I want to go into languages when I am older – spanish and italian to be precise – and for a levels I need to do spanish, and that involves loads of speaking tasks. Even though it is in front of the teacher, I still can’t do it. This year – we had to do speaking assessment in spanish, I refused to do that too, and I lost 15% of my marks because of it. So now, I know I’m not going to get the grades I need for spanish to study it next year, because of this. I am aware it is my fault I lost the marks, but to be honest, I’d rather lose marks than lose my mind worrying and panicking about it for days and weeks on end.
Just, any advice about home schooling would really be helpful right now.
Like, how do the exams work – where do you go for them if you school yourself?
I live in the UK.
I’m not sure about in the UK. But I do online schooling through VLACS in the US. Look around and find online schools. Some advice would be to make sure that you are motivated to do your work on your own and actually do it. VLACS is on the computer, so you don’t have to go anywhere to take tests. There is a mim=nimum pace you must follow each week, for example do assignments 3.00-3.06 by June 13th. Tests are usually multiple choice or essay questions that you just type, and it just counts as more points just like at public schools. Try ffinding online schools in your area, those are the way to go!!!