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09/08/2019

How can i re-phrase this sentence?

QUESTION
How can i re-phrase this sentence?
A degree in Natural Sciences will be a vital foundation in enabling me to be a part of the
revolutionizing growth of science and technology and to contribute to cutting-edge research
which will shape the world of the future.

This is my start of my personal statement ! how do i change it so it flows more because at the moment i think its not very goood! i just cant seem to think of any other ways of re-phrasing what im trying to say

Thank You 🙂 xxx

ANSWER
A degree in Natural Science will enable me to participate in cutting edge science and technology, where I will contribute my best efforts to research that will help shape the world of the future.

I had to get rid of “revolutionizing” if I wanted to use “cutting edge”–there was redundancy there, and what you really need to emphasize is that you will be a part of “cutting edge” science, and your efforts will contribute to it. One of the problems with your original–and a response like George’s, is that they are a bit lofty; it appears that you might believe you can personally revolutionize science, and change the world. That is fine for a seventh grade essay on “What I Want To Be And Why,” but not for an adult perspective on career goals.