How do I write a narrative essay?

How do I write a narrative essay?
No, I’m serious! What the crap am I supposed to write about? That time my cat got smeared all over the road by a truck? The day I found a dead butterfly floating around the kiddie pool?

I’m useless.

I looked up a bunch of “How to write a narrative essay” guides on google, but all I’m getting is a bunch of “brainstorm a topic” blah blah blah “write out an outline” blah blah blah. That’s all very great and technical, but how do I actually WRITE IT!? I don’t know what to write about! Am I supposed to work a moral in there somewhere, like in a parable?



Step #1. Scrape yourself off the ceiling.
Step #2. Come up with a topic, any old topic, even one of the two you mentioned above.
Step #3. Make an outline (really, no joke!) If the essay is supposed to be four paragraphs long, just make a list, 1-4, and write down two or three words that say what that paragraph is going to be about.
If you are supposed to write 1200 words, then just make a list of, say, six to eight things that you want to say about your topic.
Step #4. Write from your list: For each paragraph, write a topic sentence, that is, a sentence that introduces your point from the list. Follow that with two support sentences. You can be as humorous or serious as you want–put your personality into the support sentences. Every paragraph should have a minimum of three sentences, but you can have many more if you get on a roll.
Step #5. Just move on down you list until you are done. If, while you are writing, you come up with another point, just insert it. If, as you are writing, one of the points just seems stupid now, then drop it.

In the end, it won’t be much different than how you wrote your question:
Introduction, narrative body, conclusion.
You’ve got the skills–I can tell by what you wrote here.

(P.S. We don’t actually know if Jesus could write a good essay–but I’ll bet your teacher would accept a really good miracle instead, if you’re up to it!)