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09/08/2019

How is the beginning to my essay?(spanish armada)?

QUESTION
How is the beginning to my essay?(spanish armada)?
The year 1558 brought one the of the Spanish army’s most famous attempts to remove Queen Elizabeth I from the throne of England. The Spanish were led my King Phillip II and their one hundred and fifty one ships, bearing over seven thousand sailors and thirty four thousand soldiers departed from Libson on May the 20th.

Phillip had several motives for attacking the British, the main one being their religion. Back then almost everyone in Britain was a Protestant whilst the Spanish were all Catholics. Phillip considered Catholic to be the one true religion and as king, he thought that he was its greatest supporter.
He bore additional grudges because of an English pirate, Drake (now known as Sir Frances Drake), who had previously stolen lots of gold, silver and other valuables from the Spanish ships.
England also aided the Dutch as they rebelled against the rules of King Phillip which made him very angry. Overall, Phillip decided that England was getting in the way so he gathered all the forces he could and set out to destroy it and its Queen Elizabeth once and for all.

ANSWER
Here are my minor editing suggestions:

The year 1558 brought one the of the Spanish army’s most famous attempts to remove Queen Elizabeth I from the throne of England. Departing from Lisbon on May the 20th, King Phillip II led the Spanish military on 151 ships, bearing over 7,000 sailors and 34,000 soldiers.

Phillip had several motives for attacking the British, but the main issue was religion. At the time, almost everyone in Britain was a Protestant, while the majority of Spain practiced Roman Catholicism. As with all good Catholics, Phillip believed Roman Catholicism to be the one true religion. As king, he knew it was his duty to be the church’s greatest supporter.

King Phillip also bore an additional grudge against Britain because of an English pirate, Drake (also known as Sir Frances Drake), who had stolen a significant quantity of gold, silver and other valuables from Spanish ships. In addition, England also aided the Dutch when they rebelled against the authority of King Phillip, which made him very angry. Overall, Phillip decided that England was getting in the way. He gathered all of the forces that he possibly could and set out to destroy England and its Protestant Queen, once and for all.

Very nice job of writing. The changes I made were minor and mostly grammar and a bit of punctuation. I also got rid of spelling out your large numbers. Here is the rule I have always followed and I think it is cleanest in an essay:

http://www.grammarbook.com/numbers/numbe…

Also, I built a small website with all of the “how to” links (concerning essays and writing) I have amassed as a result of answering these questions for students. It is easy to navigate and you may find something helpful:

http://users.wowway.com/~amerimama/index…

In fact, next time I update the site I am going to add the first link I gave you about the numbers because that is a common writing issue.

Good luck. I am sure you are going to do very well!

ADDED: After reading your intro once again, I noticed you never mentioned the words “Spanish Armada”. Since that term is so popular and ingrained in history, perhaps you should include it somewhere? How about adding a sentence to the end of the first paragraph? Add:

This great military expedition is formally known as “The Spanish Armada”.

after the sentence that ends “…on May the 20th.”

You could also alternatively use the word “flotilla” instead of “expedition” in the above sentence. Now, I promise, I will quit editing! 😉