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09/04/2019

How’s my college essay? Quickly need to submit soon!?

QUESTION
How’s my college essay? Quickly need to submit soon!?
There’s more to the essay, but I’m changing it..So how to you like to far? What should I change?

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

Honestly, I’m still not certain what career I want to pursue. I do know, however, that my strengths lie in math and science, which is why I am applying to the School of Arts and Sciences. I believe the University of Pennsylvania can provide me with the tools to explore my interests and choose a career path.
There are many opportunities available at Penn which I can see myself taking advantage of. Physics is a subject which has always interested me, and I hope to major in it in college. The curriculum for undergraduate physics majors is appealing. String Theory, for example, is a field which fascinates me. Within the physics major, I can see myself exploring the “Concentration in Physical Theory and Experimental Technique” at Penn, as its basis lies in physics and math and gives students the opportunity to do research. Having previously done math and science research, I hope to participate in research in college with Penn’s great professors, including Eli Burstein and Marija Drndic. There is also a strong Jewish Studies Program at Penn, as well as myriads of liberal arts courses I am eager to take. At Penn, I can see myself gaining a strong math, science, and liberal arts foundation.
Penn offers a great deal of internship and international study options which I would surely take advantage of. There are myriads of benefits in studying abroad: seeing the world, learning a language, developing skills, and gaining experiences a classroom setting can’t provide. A student at Penn told she loved studying abroad, and it was one of the best experiences she has ever had. I too would love to spend a summer or semester studying at James Cook University in Australia, or at the University of Cape Town in South Africa. As for internships, the College of Arts and Sciences offers programs which I would love to be considered for. Penn Undergraduate Environmental Health Scholars Program would give me the opportunity to work with Penn investigators on environmental projects and conduct independent research.

ANSWER
Several comments:

You use the unusual phrase “myriads of” twice in your short essay. Are you sure the phrase “myriads of” is correct and that it’s not “a myriad of?” You should doublecheck that and then replace one usage of the term with simply “numerous.”

Why aren’t you applying as a physics major if that’s your primary interest? (Or is that not an option at Penn?) I assume that the professors you mention by name are physics professors and the schools abroad that you mention have strong physics programs. If so, that would strengthen your essay. If not, it might weaken it. It just needs to be consistent throughout.

In the sentence about internships, it would sound better if it ended, “…offers programs for which I would love to be considered.” Add the word “also” in your last sentence after “would.” Change the first “Penn” in that last sentence to “Penn’s” — it would just sound better.