Intro for college essay/?

Intro for college essay/?
The topic is “Describe a meaningful event or experience and how it has changed or affected the person you are.” By the way I am currently in 11th grade but my teacher wants us to write a college essay before the year ends. (don’t ask me why) She says I need a stronger introduction. This is what I had.

One has been through plenty experiences throughout one’s lifetime. Some of them fantastic, while others are terrible. But what makes a life experience fantastic? The criterea for an experience to be great is how it changed or affected the person you eventually come out to be. This criterea is rare to come by which causes one to cherish every single great moment in your life.

1. Don’t use the “one” format. Instead say “Each person will have numerous experiences in his or her lifetime.”

2. Don’t beat around the bush so much. Be confident and direct. Instead of all that blah blah blahing come straight to your point: “The extent to which each of those experiences changes that person’s life for the better is the measure of its meaning. Because of this, each influential moment should be cherished throughout each lifetime.”

3. I would actually rewrite this entirely. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, and college essays are the time to sell yourself. This is not at all what they are looking for, and an intro like this will just cause you to blend in with the crowd. Look for ways to stand out. First, think of the moment (ONE moment) that has changed or affected you. It doesn’t have to be extreme or even very original, but it really, truly, has to mean something special to you. Second, cater to that moment immediately. Do not do the beat around the bush thing, and do not talk about “one” when you’re supposed to be talking about yourself. Do not be artificial, really present a view of who you are.