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09/04/2019

Is my Boston University Good for Admissions!?!?

QUESTION
Is my Boston University Good for Admissions!?!?
BU ESSAY: Please let me know!!!!!!!

I’m a vibrant character. Perceive me as a trailblazer! I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve altered my passions. At this time, my passions are contained within Boston University’s classrooms. I’m curious; I always seek to go beyond my intellectual limits: I’ve taught myself derivatives, financial analysis, and calculus… Like a BU student, I’m eager to succeed, and as a leader, I’d be a great asset to the Terrier entrepreneurial social platform.

The university’s urban community is sizzling. It seizes to amaze me; BU fosters such an energetic and diverse student body that it is stimulating as you get to explore unseen perspectives. I’m interactive; at BU, I’d be passionately involved in the Finance & Investment club, the BUMKC, GMS…

At BU, I’ll pursue my high-minded ambitions. I’m willing to explore unseen avenues. I am eager to obtain BU’s unique educational experience. I’ve led; I am a micro-entrepreneur and I’m creative… I’ve invented the wheel, but I was too late to introduce it… I aspire to pursue my academic ambitions through the University’s unique and stellar marketing program to further my understanding on the mechanics of the business world. From the stellar faculty to the bright young minds that shape this entrepreneurial program, I hope I can be part of this close-knit community. it is exceptional.

Wait a minute… Opps… It’s 11:59 pm.

To be continued…

To seek more information, please send a golden admission ticket…
Beware: My Acceptance rate is ~ 8%

Sincerely,

Niki

ANSWER
Wow! I’ve read hundreds of these essays, both when I was a student learning how to write them, and as an advisor helping students write them, and I’ve never seen anything quite like this (in a good way, mostly).

The good:
-this is very vibrant! Your essay crackles with intensity, just as you say that you yourself do. This is excellent.
-you do well in mixing general statements with specifics
-some of the syntax is great. In particular, “it is exceptional.” is a great way to end the main part of the essay, what a nice crisp sentence.

The bad:

1) The ending is really confusing. Why do you stop writing at midnight? Is the joke that the essay is due then, so you don’t have time to finish? I’m worried they may take you seriously, and assume that you didn’t finish the essay.

I like the “to seek more information” joke, but I’m not sure about the “my acceptance rate is 8%” part. Are you threatening them? Did you apply to 12 schools? Or are you making fun of their low acceptance rate (I don’t think it is as low as 8%!)?

“Sincerely, Niki” is a cool sign-off, but you may want to start the essay with “Dear Boston University, Let me introduce myself” if you go that route, otherwise they may worry that that this is done due to confusion rather than cleverness.

2) “Perceive me as a trailblazer!”is a poor word usage, maybe “Picture me as a trailblazer!” Further, a trailblazer is someone who does things that haven’t been done before. If you want to use the word trailblazer, you need to explain what it is you’ve done that’s new. Alternatively, you could say “Picture me as energetic!” or “Picture me as a self-starter!” or something like that. Or perhaps “Picture me as a rottweiler: I never let something go when it’s in my teeth”. Or maybe you could make a bulldog joke, since that is their mascot.

3) “I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve altered my passions.” Again, this is awkward wording. Is English not your first language? Or are you trying to spice up your essay with a thesaurus (don’t)? Saying you’ve altered your passions is a bad thing, that means that you’re fickle and change your mind a lot. Maybe, “I’ve lost count of how many passions I have”?

Similarly in the next sentence “At this time, my passions are contained within Boston University’s classrooms.” You’d do better to say “At this time, one of my passions is attending Boston University.” Though that’s really more of a goal. Perhaps, “At this time, I am passionate about furthering my education, hopefully at Boston University.”

4) “The university’s urban community is sizzling. It seizes to amaze me; BU fosters such an energetic and diverse student body that it is stimulating as you get to explore unseen perspectives.” You’re usually pretty good about mixing up generalizations and specifics, but here you don’t. What do you find so “sizzling” and “energetic”? Further, I think you mean “it seizes and amazes me.”

5) Derivatives are a part of calculus, so I wouldn’t list both separately.

6) I wouldn’t call your ambitions “high-minded”, that’s generally not a good word. Instead, I would say simply “I will pursue my ambitions”. Which ambitions would those be? You seem to be interested in finance, maybe you could say “I’ll pursue my ambitions by seeking an economics degree.”

7) “unique and stellar” is again high praise with little backup. Either tone down the praise, or get more specific, explaining why you think the program is so good.

8) “I’ve invented the wheel, but I was too late to introduce it…” I have no idea what you’re trying to say here.

Finally, some of your prepositions are wrong. You may want to post this again after you make any changes you want, and specifically say that you want help with grammar and/or word choice. Feel free to message me if you want me to take another look.

Good luck!