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09/04/2019

is this a good beginning of my college essay about myself and why i want to attend florida gulf coast?

QUESTION
is this a good beginning of my college essay about myself and why i want to attend florida gulf coast?
My name is Rebecca _____, a senior from ______ High School, and I want to attend the Florida Gulf Coast University in the fall of 2011.  In October of 2009, my junior year, I visited FGCU the same weekend I was playing in a golf tournament in Fort Myers. My guidance counselor recommended that I should take a tour of the campus while I was there for the weekend. When I first stepped off the tour bus I knew this school was the place for me. The location in Fort Myers is very beautiful and the campus is unique.  I immediately became interested in the Florida Gulf Coast’s Health and Forensics Programs, and believe I will be a great addition. This is because I am taking a Biotechnology class that introduces me to both fields of Health and Forensics before entering college.  I have developed health fitness plans to accommodate various “patients” to a healthier lifestyle by creating weekly menu plans. In the Forensics module, I learned the different positions in a crime scene investigation and how to examine different type of blood patterns and samples. I also identified tool marks,unknown fibers and hairs, and have lifted fingerprints under a fluorescent light. All of these Forensic skills were applied to solve fictional cold cases with my teammates, which became successful because of my strong leadership skills.  
I am a well- rounded person and an outstanding individual. Not only have I excelled in school, but in athletics and in the arts as well.  When I attended the Lake Highland Preparatory School (2007-2009) I was part of the girls’ volleyball team and golf team.  I won the coach’s award in volleyball and took part in lots of community service hours by teaching elementary children how to play volleyball. This has helped me excel in the school and I am looked upon for my leadership. I believe I am very people- oriented and that is why I love helping the community. I learned Chinese for two years at Lake Highland and was also part of the Chinese club.  While in the club, one of our projects was to raise money for the Tsunami victims in China…….

ANSWER
If you can omit your high school name I would revise it as

My name is Rebecca ___ and my goal is to do my undergraduate studies at Florida Gulf Coast University, starting in the Fall of 2011.

I would omit mentioning “When I first stepped off the tour bus…

Omit saying the campus is beautiful. Instead say something about Fort Meyers…economy..cultural activities that you learned about while there (or researched) and why those factors are additonal plusses to attending FGCU. Don’t say you will be a great additon. Say that your interest in Health and Forensics comes from your biotechnology class.

Say ‘Through the Biotechnology class, I have developed…

Instead of saying ” I am a well rounded interest…” I have excelled in academics, but I also have demonstrated achievement in athletics and in the arts.

Good luck. You will have a good college career.