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09/04/2019

Is this a good thesis statement?

QUESTION
Is this a good thesis statement?
College is essential to a person who wants to obtain a degree, meet new people, and to get a good job.
I need your feedback/help about this thesis sentence?
This is an essay about why people go to college
Cause/effect essay

ANSWER
The main problem with your thesis is your choice of wording.

Your use of the word “person” is too broad. What specific group of people are interested in pursuing a collegiate degree? You can replace “person” with students, young adults, etc.

Your use of “…meet new people, and to get a good job.” sounds too elementary. What do you get out of meeting new people? You develop better social skills, you develop networks, you find outlets for recreation. What do you want from a good job? You want stability, income, and a tolerable environment.

In addition, your thesis should be an opinion that provokes thought. You are not providing any controversy here. Of course you want obtain a degree in college. But what makes college such an important step in your future?

Here is a sample thesis statement from my first college paper that is focused and specific:
“Awareness and response classes, enhanced student and visitor profile searches, and metal detectors and stun gun-equipped officers on campus should be implemented to maintain a secure, gun-free environment in schools.”

Not the best, but notice how specific I get. Note how “stun gun-equipped officers” is a thought-provoking suggestion. Stun guns are feasible choices in order to discourage the presence of firearms in the school setting.

I would change your thesis to something along these lines:
College is essential to aspiring young adults who wish to _____.