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09/04/2019

Need help in editing my essay (guys who are amazing in writing essay your wanted =)?

QUESTION
Need help in editing my essay (guys who are amazing in writing essay your wanted =)?
I gave in my assignment .. the teacher told me that I included alot of ideas and I need to organize them and cut down. Here is the essay, any help or tips or even editing my essay I would really appreciate.

From: Senior editor ‘London Times’.
Dear Sassoon,
Your letter was read in the British House of Commons and dismissed due to your mental instability and surely that saddens you. However what you say cannot be avoided since you raise many questions linked to facts about the war, and your protesting statements of the conduct and the insincerities of WWI are undeniable. It is agreeable that WWI was such an unnecessary war; that bungling politicians, autocrats and blind fools created it. Moreover in your letter you show a caring and fatherly figure to your troops; and your statements of concern might save lives as this letter continues to raise questions. You show great commitment of not going back to the war even with many known names such as Robert Graves and Dr. W.H.R. Rivers urging you to come back to the war and stop this protest. However, you have a very difficult decision to make; of either going back to the war and ignoring your beliefs and contradictions of the war or leaving your men behind. Either way the people who started this war will keep sacrificing soldiers and prolong the war until they finish what they started. Eventually it is assumed that you will change your beliefs, or at the very least ignore them for the sake of your friends and for your own sake. As this time your friend Dr. Rivers managed to pull some strings and prevented you from being court marshaled. And somehow the military hierarchy that you were suffering from shell shock and was sent to recover in a military psychiatric hospital at Craiglockhart, near Edinburgh. However, a man with your credentials and compassion who won the admiration and respect of most his troops will put his anti-war criticisms aside and return back to the Western Front and support his troops.
It is not arguable that the aim of this war was indeed one of defense and liberation when it started. But it seems to have changed due to the “political errors and insincerities” made by those who started it. Moreover, The soldiers and the government of this country are going to have a more frustrated and tense relationship as most soldiers disagree with the suffering of the troops and prolonging the war without any reason to do so. Therefore you are not doing Britain a favor by your letter. As the government obviously is knowledgeable of the fact that it has no reason to continue this war and the suffering of it’s soldiers for a purpose that no longer exists. However assuming the purpose of the war disappears, the war will persist until one side in the war falls apart.
“I am not protesting against the conduct of the war”. It is clear that you are not protesting about the actual war, simply why is it happening. As the reasons of it are unjustified. Moreover, you show disagreement with the government sending young boys underage off to war and their lack of compassion for ill men in making them better only in their interests so they can send them back to war. Clearly, this is unacceptable and disgraceful that people are made to suffer so very traumatically that only further trauma made them better at hospital. Furthermore, the countless deaths and countries that have been reduced to wasteland are unjustified.
Sassoon, your protest will not end the war. However, Your declaration shows that there are soldiers brave enough and strong enough to truly stand up for what they believe in.

ANSWER
Hi–
It’s really great you are writing about Siegfried Sassoon. He was a remarkable person with complex politics, and the idea of doing the essay as a letter to him–and writing about his letter to Parliament–is a good one.

However, what your teacher is saying is right: you have a lot of ideas in here that need to be organized. It’s not a matter of editing alone (that is, it isn’t just revising the sentences and polishing the punctuation). Hence, no one can do it for you.

First of all, you need to settle on some main points to make. As it is, you cover a lot of territory that gets pretty confusing. You are focusing on terrible things that happened in the first World War, the ethical problem of curing young men just to send them back to war, Sassoon’s letter, his own curious ethical position in going back to the front and so on. I know there is a lot you want to talk about, and that’s great. But you can’t chase from one idea to another–a reader gets exhausted.

What you might want to do is focus first on the letter he wrote–you’re starting to do that in the beginning, but it isn’t clear enough what his letter says and what the context of it is. Thinking about writing the paper for a reader who doesn’t quite remember what happened, and explain it patiently. Summarize the main points in Sassoon’s letter and then say what you want to say to Sassoon about it.

It isn’t quite clear to me what you are thinking about the letter he wrote–what do you think about it? You say, “Therefore you are not doing Britain a favor by your letter,” but at the end you seem to salute him for his courage. I would need you to be much more explicit about what you think about the letter. You don’t need to think only one thing–you can have mixed views–but you need to let a reader know that you do.

Once you’ve introduced the letter and summarized it, begin to organize your response. Instead of an outline, start a list of your main points and try to keep related material together. Here, it’s all jumbled together. You want to put just one idea–or two related ideas–in a paragraph.

The paper, then, should unfold slowly, one idea at a time, with transitions between the ideas.

Finally, some conventional stuff. You might quote Sassoon more to illuminate the points you are making, and introduce the quotes from the letter, for example, As you wrote in your letter, “I am not protesting against the conduct of the war.”

You should indicate what your sources are on the War. Use the documentation system that your instructor or your college uses–for example, footnotes, parenthetical citing, and so forth. The citing is complicated here because of your stance as someone writing to Sassoon. For example, you write, “It is agreeable that WWI was such an unnecessary war; that bungling politicians, autocrats and blind fools created it.” Did Sassoon say this? Did you read it somewhere else? If so, you need to say where you learned it. If it is your own idea, ok, but in that case say “I agree with you…” “It is agreeable…” usually means that something is pleasant, which I don’t think you mean!

Anyway, I hope this helps. This will take a lot of work but the paper is worth it.