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09/07/2019

Need someone to Proof -read my admissions Essay for Culinary School?

QUESTION
Need someone to Proof -read my admissions Essay for Culinary School?
I have to write a 150 word essay for Culinary School- this is what they are looking for “what are your career goals? How do you expect your education at our school to help you attain them? In what ways will you participate and commit to your education to be successful?

So far this is what I have came up with.

Everyone has someone or something that has inspired them to make choices in there lives. My grandmother has been my inspiration, Most of my memories of her are in the kitchen. I remember watching her making wonderful meals with little ingredients. I use the knowledge I learned from her into my own kitchen. Over the years I have realized its time for me to take my love for cooking to the next level, and obtain an education from a Culinary school. I will use the skills taught to pursue my goals in life, of working in a restaurant with great chefs. I would like to manage and run my own establishment. I am in need of a proper education to learn new things to be successful. I have worked in fast food kitchens, Its not fulfilling. I am ready to to build a stable life for myself both financially and emotionally. Many years of searching, I found what I am meant to do, and I know I will be successful at it.

ANSWER
Cut the first sentence. You have very few words, so try to use them the best you can. The first sentence doesn’t add anything to your essay, so just start by saying that you grandmother is your inspiration. I’d edit it like this: [My notes are in brackets]

My grandmother is [present tense, unless you don’t admire you grandma anymore. Even if she’s dead or you guys don’t talk much.] my inspiration. Most of my memories of her are in the kitchen, watching her make wonderful meals with little ingredients. I use the knowledge I learned from her in [not “into”] my own kitchen. Over the years I have realized its time for me to take my love for cooking to the next level [“Next level” is a little cliche. What do you mean by next level? You want to become better at cooking. Your love of cooking is moving you to learn more.], and obtain an education from a [“culinary” is uncapitalized because it isn’t a proper noun. You might consider putting the school you’re applying for.] culinary school. I will use the skills taught to pursue my goal in life, working in a [add adjective: reputable, popular, mainstream, progressive, classical, exciting] restaurant with [“Great” is a bad adjective. It doesn’t really describe very well. Try something else: like-minded, enthusiastic, competent, well-known] chefs. I would also like to manage and run my own establishment. I am in need of a proper education to become successful. I have worked in fast food kitchens, It’s not fulfilling. [I would say “it’s not fulfilling” differently. It makes you look ungrateful to your employer and the admissions people might find it distasteful. Maybe you could say that it isn’t the type of food you enjoy making or that you look forward to moving on from this humble start to make more complicated food. You want to move on to new techniques and ingredients to hone you skills in cooking.] I am ready to to build a stable life for myself both financially and emotionally. I have found what I am meant to do, and I know I will become a successful chef.

Also, add something about how committed you will be to your studies. How determined you are.