Penn State Personal Statement how is this?

Penn State Personal Statement how is this?
I would like to apply to Penn State a 500 word statement is optional I want to know how this would be reviewed. This is only 254 words but i figure if its option this is probably better than average. I would just like some feed back thank you

In the late summer and early fall of 2011 Northern Pennsylvania and Southwestern New York were adversely affected by flooding. I’m sure some strong effort google-ing could reveal the damages. I have never had such a disaster so close to myself. My first thought of the flood was happiness I was not affected however I applied myself to and was lucky enough to have the opportunity to go the Athens Pennsylvania in order to aid in the flood relief. This trip began with handing out boxes to victims. I have moved but to have to pack up my possessions and have nowhere to go is an event unthinkable to myself and many others. Next to a jewelry store to clean out a basement full of rare stones along with gold and silver a plenty. A basement covered in mud smelling strongly of kerosene everything was going. A business, a family’s life and welfare depending on the success of this store wiped away in a matter of hours. Next to a family’s home “everything” a word I heard many times at this location nothing was to be left of this house but the frame the family was completely rebuilding. Along with something unforgettable, “There was another contractor’s business card on the porch.” A family torn by natural disaster, less than a week later people already look to turn profits from an event as profound as the flood of 2011. In my 17 years I have maintained a strong GPA started on sports teams none of which has affected me in the same profound way as aiding in the flood relief in the fall of 2011.

Tell your story of what you saw and what you felt.

A personal statement usually includes the following. You need a good attention grabber. In general you want your essay to follow this order:

Paragraph 1-2 attention grabber. Think of an experience in your life that really showcases who you are. Be detailed. Discuss something significant in your life. It could be anything. Or discuss why you want to be in your profession or what story inspired you to study what you are studying.

Paragraph 3-4. Highlight your academics: GPA, classes. What skills you learned in class that will help in succeeding in college. Awards and honors that you have received. Sports or clubs that you are in.

Paragraph 5. Jobs that you have had that relate to your major? Any other things about yourself that you want to include

Paragraph 6: Conclusion. In this conclusion you may want to re-state your main qualifications. You can also include any of the following statements: My goal is…. I deserve this scholarship because….

I will edit it for you if you email it to me