Please comment on this short essay. 10 points to best answer.?

Please comment on this short essay. 10 points to best answer.?
Please comment on personal statement for a summer research program. I will vote for the best comment, although all comments will be appreciated!

Here is the prompt: SROP is intended to create educational access for students with diverse experiences and perspectives. Please describe your personal and academic goals. What is your motivation for seeking a research experience? How can SROP help you advance toward your goals? Tell us about any relevant extra-curricular activities or recognition of your achievements. Limit your response to 250 words.

I remember the ecstatic feeling I experienced when learning about the fascinating social psychology experiments, starting my internship in assisting a professor with her research, and presenting one of my Psychology research projects at the college symposium. All these experiences triggered my desire in becoming an experimental social psychologist. Because this career requires a graduate degree, I plan in going to graduate school. As I learned in the process of bringing the first Latina-oriented sorority onto my college campus and raising Latino cultural awareness when being Vice President of a cultural organization, setting goals and objectives will help me achieve my goals: obtaining my graduate degree and becoming an experimental social psychologist. I constantly set and complete my mini-goals that would help me advance towards my goal, such as taking an independent study class to improve my writing skills and obtaining research experience to gain research skills. I want to then participate in the SROP program, another stepping stone towards my ultimate goal. By participating in the SROP program, I will learn more methodologies I could use in my senior thesis and graduate works, develop a relationship with a faculty member, gain test-taking skills for the GRE, and practice writing and presenting. All I would need to reach my goals.

You have nice accomplishments, but they are drowning in “wordiness.” The beginning sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo that will never amount to anything — just a student trying to come up with enough words. I suggest you rewrite it in a more concise, point-by-point manner: I did this, from which I learned that, and SROP will further that by ________. I did this and this. I did that and that. At SROP, I hope to do these. You don’t want a writing with a “literary feel.” You want, essentially, a bullet presentation written in complete sentences. Keep the sentences shorter, rather than longer.

just my opinion