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09/07/2019

Please critique my admissions essay!!?

QUESTION
Please critique my admissions essay!!?
I don’t believe its that good. I am not finish with it yet. I just need some advice. Am I on the right track? Is this clear?

I do not mind harsh comments. Say what’s on you mind as long as it helps me.

The topic is about explaining my educational background (Since I do not have 30 credits or more to transfer.)

One of my professors asked me, “Why are you here?” and she told me in her own vast words that I should stick to working my part-time job. Confusingly, she believed in me and was upset because I was not giving my all in class. Speechless, I hurriedly walked out the lecture hall and ran to my car. I inhaled heavily and felt the warm, wet, tears fall down my broken face. Staring at the unceasing sky, the question burned into my head, leaving me thinking. What am I doing wrong?

I am not a flawless person in which I doubt that anyone is. In the mornings, I am yawning with small and slacking eyes. I work often and late during the weekends, though I do not have to. I believe that to live is to be free and you have to work hard if you want to be free. Due to my mom trying to give me everything she could not have as a child, I became tremendously dependent, now I am working on becoming more self-regulated. College, which was one of my biggest accomplishments, is challenging for me. At times, I wish I had a rocket scientist’s brain. I have a short attention span because I am constantly thinking…

For some reason I can not go beyond this. I always freeze up and I can’t think of anything else. What I am doing wrong?

Again, I am not finished with it. I don’t quite construe what they mean by explaining my educational background?
should I tell a little bit about myself too?

ANSWER
Okay, I love critiquing papers. I copied what you wrote and edited where I deemed fit. Please don’t be offended by my comments; sometimes it’s more a matter of personal taste when it comes to papers. And for an assignment like this, it must be really personal. But I will try to help!

(I would start by saying something like, “After three months studying ______ at _____ College/University,) one of my professors asked me, “Why are you here?” She told me in no uncertain terms that I should stick to working my part-time job. Ironically, she believed in my academic potential, and was upset because I was not putting forth enough effort in class. Speechless, I hurriedly walked out of the lecture hall and ran to my car. I inhaled heavily and felt the warm, wet, tears fall down my face. Staring at the unceasing sky, the question burned into my head, leaving me thinking, “What am I doing wrong?”

I accept that I am not a flawless person. In the mornings, I am yawning with small and slacking eyes. I work often and late during the weekends, though I do not have to. I believe that to live is to be free and you have to work hard if you want to be free. My mom raised me with the intentions of giving me everything she could not have as a child. This well-intentioned act left me tremendously dependent, and now I am working on becoming more self-regulated. College, which was one of my biggest accomplishments, is challenging for me. At times, I wish I had a rocket scientist’s brain. I have a short attention span because I am constantly thinking…

I can’t write the rest for you. I would suggest that you take out some of the creative rhetoric like “small and slacking eyes” etc. This is not a creative writing assignment, although I do think you have a talent for it. Be more direct about what you studied, what specifically challenged you, and why you are ready to move forward. What are your goals and dreams now? How will getting into this school help you achieve them? Why should they accept YOU? Talk about what your passions are. If you aren’t sure what your major will be, you can still speak generally about expanding your horizons. Good luck!

Also, try to incorporate something special about the school. Like “Your reputation for your psychology program attracts and motivates me. I look forward to the possibility of being a part of a community held to such high standards of education.”