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09/04/2019

PLEASE EDIT THIS 250 WORD ESSAY ASAP?

QUESTION
PLEASE EDIT THIS 250 WORD ESSAY ASAP?
This is due in 26 minutes, and its for Boston University
Topic: Essay 1: In no more than 250 words, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission?

Essay:

As a student of Atlantic Community High School, I have had the opportunity of participating in the International Baccalaureate Programme at my school. This program provided that my high school life was filled with critical thinking and diversity, but despite the advantage it has given me, it has also set up a challenge for me: finding a college that will match the diversity and intellect I encountered in high school.
During my junior year, when I was bombarded with college brochures, Boston University stuck out of the pile, since it’s an elite urban university with a vast student body in a significant city. I feel that attending a university with over 30,000 students from over 140 countries will expand my cultural horizon and make it so that I can experience other culture without even leaving my college campus. Additionally, I intend to major in communication and political science, so for me, my experiences in the class room are equally as important as those outside the University’s walls. Boston University is unique since it is enthralled and involved within the historic city of Boston. This is perfect for me and my specific majors, as the urban setting provides many internship and connection possibilities, while the historic background of Boston allows me to experience history in person.
Overall, in the whole college searching process, I have been focused on finding a university that truly captures the “college experience” that I want. An experience involved with furthering my understanding of my major and society through both formal education and the experience I will be able to have outside the educational facilities.

please be as critical as you possibly can (but constructive)

ANSWER
As to the writing itself,
I don’t see a thesis statement in the first paragraph, which I assume is the introduction?
Without the statement you have no clear points that you are expanding on in the body .. the whole sentence there is.

There are a lot of ‘that’s in here and the word itself is misused unless it is actually referring to a ‘that’ … meaning an object. For example, “college experience” that I want does not have a ‘that’ object it is referring to and should be dropped, because the sentence reads just fine without it … college experience I want. Yet in the “finding a college that will match the diversity … ” has a ‘that’, college.

” Boston University is unique since it is enthralled and involved within the historic city of Boston” .. is the university really “enthralled and involved”. I don’t think an object can be enthralled or involved … people are. There are other such statements that really do not reference well in how you use them.
“Boston University stuck out of the pile” … stuck out? I get what you really mean to say here, but using “stood out among all the other colleges I was considering”

The reality is that with only 10 – 15 minutes you can’t really expect for someone to actually edit, and rewrite, this essay. And then you have time to redo the essay.

Try to review the paper and identify the run on sentences and break them where they need to stop and put a period, take out the linking word you tossed in, Capitalize the first word of the new sentence … “During my junior year, when I was bombarded with college brochures, Boston University stuck out” … by taking out the “when” you can have a sentence that ends with ‘brochures’ and Boston would start a new one. Your whole intro seems to be one long sentence with a lot of commas. Look at it and break it into sentences like it should be.

Identify the misused words and choose a different one or restructure the sentence to include something that can actually do the action

Eliminate useless words .. “I have had” needs to simply be “I had”… “when I was bombarded ” = “I was .. the ‘During my junior year” = when

“the diversity and intellect I encountered in high school.” you can’t encounter intellect
Perhaps the meaning you hoped for is ‘the diversity and intellectual challenges’?

“in the whole college searching process, I have been focused on finding a university” =
during my college reviewing process I was focused on finding a university ….

“my experiences in the class room are equally as important as those outside the University’s walls” since you are going into what the city has to offer, I think you really mean …. my experience outside of the classroom is as important as the ones available outside of the university’s campus.

Shoot, I just finally rewrote it, hope it helps

I began my college search during my junior year of high school. It was a daunting task to review and evaluate all of the universities I had an opportunity to consider. But, in the midst of the search I read about Boston University. It stood out because it will offer me the main criteria I am looking for in a university. I wanted a university with cultural diversity in an urban setting with abundant community involvement possibilities.

Boston University is known for its diverse student body. During high school I had the opportunity to participate in the International Baccalaureate Program; it provided me with additional critical thinking than the regular courses and an experience to learn about many cultures. With over 30,000 students, from over 140 countries, I will be able to continue learning about other cultures from around the world. That exposure will compliment my intended studies in Political Science and Communication.

Then, Boston University’s urban setting is rich in history and community opportunities. Tostand in the footprints of our country’s Founding Fathers will be amazing. And, the internships and connections available in the city are unique to Boston.

Once I was aware of all the potential that Boston University offered I knew my search for where I planned to continue my education had ended. It meets my academic, cultural diversity and community possibilities criteria. If I am admitted to your university I know I will truly capture the college experience that will enrich my academic and personal goals.