Close

09/08/2019

Please help me peer edit my essay?

QUESTION
Please help me peer edit my essay?
Hello! I am currently in 9th grade and I have to write a maturity paper for my college class (yes, I am enrolled in high school as well as college). The maturity paper should describe an “event ” that changed the way we think or relate to others. We are suppose to use majority of the paper to focus on our response to the situation and its impact on others.

Please edit, add better vocabulary, and lengthen it. Also, if you think something is wrong, please let me know. Thank you!
Here is my paper:

Was It A Good Mourning After All?

When I was age seven, my older sister had passed away after a long battle against Leukemia Cancer. Leukemia is a type of blood cancer that starts in the bone marrow and affects your blood cells. She was very young- age nine- to be stuck in such a horrifying and intense situation. I was a toddler at the time and I didn’t realize how devastating and effective it was. I can only flash back at the moment when she was laying down on the hospital bed, breathing heavily, and screaming at the top of her lungs when she was given a fluid shot and suddenly the entire room was filled with many pediatrics and nurses. After, it was completely silent. Not a single word or sound was audible. Nothing. All I saw when I wondered my eyes were tears filling everyone’s eyes. I had no idea what was happening and why my sister wouldn’t reply to my call. I didn’t understand. I was disappointed. I was scared. Many questions ran through my head. Why wouldn’t she talk? Why are the sheets now covered over her face? Why?

My heart. My head. My entire body, felt weak and unstable. It felt as though someone had torn my body into pieces and it couldn’t possibly be put together the exact same way ever again. This made me question my existence, my life. This tragic event has gotten me to open up my eyes and realized how short life could be and to cherish each and every moment you have because you never know when the sky might decide to take you away. I should live life to the fullest and appreciate all the little things because those tend to be the most important.

But what about my sister? Why does God decide to punish the good ones? Especially at such a young age with a severe disease that adults may not even be able to handle? She poured her heart out and effort trying to battle this war, but unfortunately, she didn’t make it. Every time I think about it, tears would roll down my eyes. She was a very innocent and joyful child. She deserved much more in life. If she were still alive today, she would have been my role model and my best friend. We would have confided in each other and shared many jokes. She would have been my other half. If only she were still alive, we would have experienced life together, laughed together, and grew together. It saddens me that she couldn’t enjoy the privileges we have today. It saddens me that she couldn’t attend high school, learn how to drive like many others, find her significant other, attend her desired university, pursue her dreams, get married, or all the other pleasures in life.

Even though I was devastated inside, I didn’t show it. Her disappearance has forced me to become independent and strong. I had to be the role model for my brother as well as show responsibility as the oldest one. I have to explain and present an outstanding image to him and show him what is right and wrong as well as watch out for his mistakes because the blame for his actions will be put onto me. I also need to keep my eyes on him and make sure what he does is correct and also help him focus on academics and value his education more. Being a responsible older sister is definitely hard, but seeing him realizing that the oldest one has deceased, really puts a smile on my face. He doesn’t put too much pressure on me and behaves a lot. It melts my heart to know how understanding he is and how much he knows at such a young age.

The past is the past and looking back will only bring me depression and tears. I really do wish she was still here, right next to me, but it’s history now. I can’t revive it. Her death has really made a huge impact on me as well as some lessons that came along with it. She will always be there, no matter what.

BTW, is my writing for a 9th grader that bad?

ANSWER
When I was age seven, my older sister passed away after a long battle against Leukemia Cancer. Leukemia is a type of blood cancer that starts in the bone marrow, and affects your blood cells. She was very young,age nine, when she was encountered with such a horrifying and intense situation. I was a toddler at the time, and didn’t realize how devastating it was. I can only flash back at the moment when she was laying down on the hospital bed, breathing heavily, and screaming at the top of her lungs when she was given a fluid shot. Suddenly the entire room was filled with many pediatrics and nurses. After, it was completely silent. Not a single word or sound was audible–Nothing! All I saw when I looked at other’s eyes were tears filling their eyes. I had no idea what had happening, and why my sister wouldn’t reply to my call.I was disappointed. I was scared. Many questions ran through my head. Why wouldn’t she talk? Why are the sheets now covered over her face? Why?

My heart! My head! My entire body felt weak and unstable. It felt as though someone had torn my body into pieces, and it couldn’t possibly be put together the exact same way ever again. This made me question my existence, my life. This tragic event opened up my eyes. I realized how short life could be, and the need to cherish each and every moment you have, because you never know when heaven might decide to take you away. I should live life to the fullest and appreciate all the little things, because those tend to be the most important.

But what about my sister? Why does God decide to punish the good ones? Especially at such a young age with a severe disease that adults may not even be able to handle? She poured her heart out and effort trying to battle this war, but, unfortunately, she didn’t make it. Every time I think about it, tears would roll down my eyes. She was a very innocent and joyful child. She deserved much more in life. If she were still alive today, she would have been my role model, and my best friend. We would have confided in each other and shared many jokes. She would have been my other half. If only she were still alive, we would have experienced life together, laughed together, and grew together. It saddens me that she couldn’t enjoy the privileges we have today. It saddens me that she couldn’t attend high school, learn how to drive like many others, find her significant other, attend her desired university, pursue her dreams, get married, or all the other pleasures in life.

Even though I was devastated inside, I didn’t show it. Her disappearance has forced me to become independent and strong. I had to be the role model for my brother as well as show responsibility as the oldest one. I have to explain and present an outstanding image to him, and show him what is right and wrong as well as watch out for his mistakes, because the blame for his actions will be put onto me. I also need to keep my eyes on him and make sure what he does is correct, and also help him focus on academics and value his education more. Being a responsible older sister is definitely hard, but seeing him realizing that the oldest one has deceased, really puts a smile on my face. He doesn’t put too much pressure on me and behaves a lot. It melts my heart to know how understanding he is and how much he knows at such a young age.

The past is the past and looking back will only bring me depression and tears. I really do wish she was still here, right next to me, but it’s history now. I can’t revive it. Her death has really made a huge impact on me as well as some lessons that came along with it. She will always be there, no matter what.

BTW, is my writing for a 9th grader that bad?