Close

09/08/2019

Please proofread my personal statement for college!! 10 pts!?

QUESTION
Please proofread my personal statement for college!! 10 pts!?
It would be nice if someone read this and edit it..I do not have close teachers who can..please someone..its only a page and it is interesting..please give advice on what i should add or take out..or change my wording, grammar..anything..THANKS

It was a gloomy, depressing night, in mid-December when my mom received a call from my aunt. From the expression on her face, it was apparent that something devastating occurred. My mom then informed me that my cousin, Christina, had just been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I grew up with her and it brought tears to my eyes upon discovering that her mind would no longer correspond to our close connection ever again. Thoughts were racing through my head of how her current state had developed when I was always there by her side. I was in denial and couldn’t accept it because I felt as if we were one human being. It was three years ago when this tragedy occurred and I tried my best to help but all I did was wonder what the right words were to articulate to her as to what her present situation was, without jeopardizing her sanity. I felt helpless because the one I so loved changed dramatically and I weren’t able to fathom the fact that our close relationship would no longer be comprehensible to my beloved cousin.
My passion for psychology started emerging when I studied Abnormal Psychology at De Anza College. I learned on the subject of divergent types of disorders, symptoms, and coping mechanisms. After everything I learned about Schizophrenia, it gave me a sense of where she was coming from. If I had known about this information earlier, I could have incorporated my knowledge to enlighten my family of the coping strategies to aid her more effectively. As a result of this experience, it has driven me to assist others from the start. The developments of most disorders are hidden and originate in a person’s past. I am enthralled in studying how behaviors, thoughts, disorders, and feelings all establish.
Over the last year, my perseverance for psychology has matured deeper so I decided to pursue my dream to oversee if my passion remains. I stumbled on a risky route by assisting an autistic child. In the beginning, it was difficult because I had to be extra patient, sincere, careful, and give into every demand; or else she would throw a tantrum. Being by her side has made her trust me and in return has made me turn out to be a genuine individual. My capability of succeeding rewarded my guilty conscious. The sensation of aiding an autistic child paid back when I wasn’t completely there for my cousin. I felt contempt, accomplished, and felt as though I was my own entity who inherited the ability to help others. My mind matured and I no longer felt as if I was a part of someone else.
Everything was going as planned with my work experience. I do believe psychology is my passion because I desire to participate in various fields within the realm of psychology… I enrolled myself as an intern for the Children’s Discovery Museum. I wanted to work with even younger children because I believe childhood is the pinpoint of a person’s life. Every week, I analyze children’s behavior and imagine how certain traits will manifest into mature adult behaviors. Everything is explained from a person’s past ranging from any disorders to varying behaviors. My experience of working with an autistic child and having a schizophrenic cousin in my past definitely enhanced my determination in unfolding the psyche (mind/soul), which is an important aspect in the field of psychology.

ANSWER
It doesn’t matter if you are “close” with a teacher; ask them anyway. What are the chances that a professional English major is lurking Y!A?

I like your topic, but I hate how you present it. It is very dramatic and lacking of real emotion. You just typed in many cliches phrases. It sounds like you were forced to write this essay for some humanitarian class instead of written to delve into your thoughts. Not to mention I spotted too many awkward sentences and errors in punctuation.

My advice: trash this one and start over. This time, get serious.