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09/08/2019

Please read college essay?

QUESTION
Please read college essay?
This is my rough 250word or more response for my Loyola college application. The topic is choose a influential person in your life and say how they influenced you. Please proof read give me tips. Thank you!

Ever since I was three years old, I have always had my grandmother by my side. At the age of sixty-eight, she flew three thousand miles to come here to the United States. Both of my parents were occupied with work, so it was decided that my grandmother would help take care of me and my two older brothers. So many wonderful and inspiring memories come to mind every time I think of her, and I’m astonished at how much she cares. My grandmother, whom I call “Nanay” as an act of Filipino respect, has always supported me in education. When I was in preschool and kindergarten, she would go with my mother and visit me. I can remember seeing her sitting in the corner of the room, smiling and waving at me every time I looked back. Every school day, from first grade to fifth grade, my grandmother would wake up, make breakfast for the family, and then pack lunch for me and my younger sister. In the afternoon, my grandmother would walk down the street and pick us up from the bus stop. Coming from a large family in a third-world country, my grandmother never had much of an educational opportunity. At the age of nine, instead of going to school, she had to work on a farm to help out her parents. The fact that she never finished grade school inspires me to work my hardest in everything I do, especially when it comes to education. My grandmother always tells me to try my hardest in school, and it’s beyond an amazing feeling when she says that she’s truly proud of me. In the present time, she continues to cook meals for my family, support me in my education, and ensure that I am growing up to be the best I can be. I try my best to take advantage of all of my opportunities, knowing that people like her never had a chance. Thanks to my grandmother, I hold no prejudices or stereotypes towards anyone, and I treat everyone with equal respect. When I look at the fact that she never finished school and is still able to teach me so much, it gives me confidence that I can benefit and improve the world. Through her loving actions and words, my grandmother has taught me to be kind and humble. She has taught me to pick up my head when things are rough, and that there is always that chance for improvement. My grandmother has dedicated the latter part of her life for my own benefit. I try my best to give her the happiest and most fulfilling life that she deserves, and I am most grateful that she is still on this Earth. My grandmother has made me the person that I am today, and I am proud to say that she is my Nanay.

ANSWER
Ever since I was three years old,(Shouldn’t be a comma here, no pause needed) I have always had my grandmother by my side. At the age of sixty-eight,(Again, no pause needed) she flew three thousand miles to come here to the United States. Both of my parents were occupied with work, so it was decided that my grandmother would help take care of me and my two older brothers. So many wonderful and inspiring memories come to mind every time I think of her, and I’m astonished at how much she cares. My grandmother, whom I call “Nanay” as an act of Filipino respect, has always supported me in education. When I was in preschool and kindergarten (Dude, the pauses), she would go with my mother and (<---Change 'and' to 'to') visit me. I can remember seeing her sitting in the corner of the room, smiling and waving at me every time I looked back. Every school day, from first grade to fifth grade, my grandmother would wake up, make breakfast for the family, and then pack lunch for me and my younger sister. In the afternoon,(<--Dem pauses) my grandmother would walk down the street and pick us up from the bus stop. Coming from a large family in a third-world country, my grandmother never had much of an educational opportunity. At the age of nine, instead of going to school, she had to work on a farm to help out her parents. The fact that she never finished grade school inspires me to work my hardest in everything I do, especially when it comes to education. My grandmother always tells me to try my hardest in school, and (the feeling is beyond amazing when...) it’s beyond an amazing feeling when she says that she’s truly proud of me. In the present time('In the present time' can be changed to say 'Still to this day', more coherent.) , she continues to cook meals for my family, support me in my education, and ensure that I am growing up to be the best I can be. I try my best to take advantage of all of my opportunities, knowing that people like her never had a chance. Thanks to my grandmother,(No pause) I hold no prejudices or stereotypes towards anyone, and I treat everyone with equal respect. When I look at the fact that she never finished school and is still able to teach me so much, it gives me confidence that I can benefit and improve the world. Through her loving actions and words, my grandmother has taught me to be kind and humble. She has taught me to pick up my head when things are rough, and that there is always that chance(Change 'chance' to 'opportunity') for improvement. My grandmother has dedicated the latter part of her life for('for' to 'to') my own benefit. I try my best to give her the happiest and most fulfilling life that she deserves, and I am most grateful that she is still on this Earth. My grandmother has made me the person that I am today, and I am proud to say that she is my Nanay. Pretty good, few changes to make some parts a little more coherent. Some spots had pauses that weren't really needed for clarification, I pointed 'em out. Good luck man, nice essay. She sounds like a great woman.