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09/04/2019

please read my college appl. essay..any advice?

QUESTION
please read my college appl. essay..any advice?
The topic is tell us more about yourself and why you are considering this college…

As I exited the highway, and arrived in the city of New York I knew that NYU was where I would potentially finish my undergraduate studies. Walking down Broadway Street, being in the city environment, walking through Central Park, and witnessing the diverse student body assured me that this was the college for me. As I explored the city streets, I wanted to be part of this university. I love the beautiful city of New York as well as the amazing history of this great city. I am considering NYU because of the excellent business program, diversity amongst the student body, and because I would be comfortable spending the next two years of my life at NYU. NYU has everything I want in a college, it has an excellent business program, diversity amongst the student body, and I would be comfortable spending the next two years of my life at NYU. The fact that New York is just a short road trip from my hometown is also a benefit.

When I think of the person I was this time last year, I feel that I’ve done a complete turnaround as a young man and as a student. I am a very confident student, and I feel that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to achieving. I would be an asset to NYU, because I would push myself in the classroom along with my fellow classmates. I am a hard worker and I am willing to put in the time and effort to succeed in college. I am motivated to do well in the classroom and I want to prove that as a NYU student. I am a future business man, and the business department at NYU has a terrific reputation. I would benefit by learning from the professors at NYU to broaden my business knowledge. Thank you for spending your time evaluating my application.

ANSWER
First couple of sentances don’t really have the right tone for an application – you’re applying for business not creative writing. I’d kill them and just start from ‘I love the beautiful city…’

You could also mention that NY is the global centre for business – this will be a big asset when studying business there

Also why is NYU where you ‘would potentially finish your undergraduate studies’? Makes it sound like you’re likely to drop out

Finally the ‘complete turnaround’ thing – this implies that a year ago you were messed up in some way. If this is true in a way that is clearly visible on the rest of your application (e.g. you had bad grades a year ago) then fine, otherwise I’d take out the first sentance