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09/08/2019

Read my personal statement?

QUESTION
Read my personal statement?
Ok so I just started my personal statement and this is my first draft! I’m not even finished yet, but I want feedback as I go.

I was fifteen when I was informed that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer. Hundreds of thoughts rushed into my head. Many being, “Why her? Why couldn’t it have been me?” My mother is not a native English speaker and so I had to attend every doctors’ visit. My mother became the child and I had to assume the role of her caretaker. All while balancing school and activities outside of school. I no longer saw my mother’s illness as a tragedy, but rather a learning experience. Meeting with all the doctors and nurses at City Of Hope helped me realize that I genuinely enjoy helping those in need. I want to be involved in the medical field to give back to those who are helping my mother survive cancer.

I always took a liking in helping others. In elementary school I was the teacher’s pet. Each day I would be the one begging my teacher for a new task to assign me. Even something as little as sharpening pencils would satisfy me.

ANSWER
I think you have a good start to your story, you just need to go into more detail on how your mom’s cancer affected you personally. How did it make school harder and how did you overcome that? Were there any specific doctors or nurses that inspired you? What type of medical career do you hope to have after college? What strengths will you bring to the school? You really just need more detail, as right now you have a short answer and you need a whole essay! Also, Pooky gave some good grammatical suggestions. I noticed that you start sentences with “My mother” twice in a row. Be careful not to do that or start too many with the word “I.” This gets repetitive and boring. Once you finish your essay, give a couple people a hard-copy or Word document of it so they can write grammatical corrections for you.