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09/08/2019

Score this SAT I essay on a scale of 1-6?

QUESTION
Score this SAT I essay on a scale of 1-6?
Essay Prompt:

There is, of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet, the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.

Assignment:

Is the world changing for the better?

Essay:

In the past, there have been innumerable conflicts between nations and countries and even religions. The resulting wars culminated in widespread disaster and heavy genocides. Until sixty years ago, even the U.S. has been in conflicts with nations like Japan and Germany. However, there has been a drastic shift in global relations. People have now realized the importance of peace and the need to come together to make the world a better place. Therefore, I think that the world is indeed changing for the better.

In the twentieth century, rapid innovations in science and technology took place. However, this expansion of scientific know-how was misused and was used to create weapons of mass destruction in order to prove their military superiority. One of the most tragic examples of this was the atom bomb that was used to obliterate the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki during World War II. But now, people have gained a sense of humanity. They now know that science should be used for the progress and benefit of mankind instead of using it to create more pain and destruction. That is why nowadays, nuclear energy is being used for peaceful purposes such as generation of electricity instead of creating even more atom bombs.

The after-effects of our catastrophic conflicts still linger today. In many countries, poverty, disease and illiteracy plague its citizens and impede the advancement of the countries. Besides these, there are also other pressing problems such as global warming. People have realized the threat these dangers pose to humanity as a whole, and so are forming a “cohesive fighting unit” of sorts to rid the world of these evils. They are joining hands and actively participating in the quest to make a better world. Empathy is breeding among everyone as well as the need to make a difference in the world. This outlook is the polar opposite of that in the past: Be the best, no matter what the cost.

The degree of change in the world has been tremendous. The world order has been radically shifted from imperialism to global unity. People have now realized the severity of the mistakes that were committed in the past, and are trying to learn from them in order to make the world a better place to live in – not just for us, but for future generations as well. This, I think, is a major indication that the world is indeed changing for the better.

ANSWER
I would give it a 4 or 5. Three things really jumped out at me and I think they’re major. First, in the introductory paragraph you should incorporate the essay prompt rather than just launching into the answer. That will help establish your thesis a little better. Second, take the “I think” out of your thesis statement and other areas where you speak in the first person. Some essayists write in the first person but I don’t like that style. The reader knows it’s your opinion since you wrote it. And third, be careful of your opinion on the atom bomb. Although what you say is true, there are many who believe that the use of the bomb saved more lives by hastening the end of the war and preventing an invasion of the Japanese homeland. Otherwise, a very good essay. Good luck and I hope my comments helped.