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09/07/2019

somebody help revise my essay?!?

QUESTION
somebody help revise my essay?!?
here is the prompt:
Select a circumstance or event from your life that felt undesirable or negative while it occurred, but now makes for a humorous and worthwhile story.

Here is my essay.
Looking back, it was probably the most embarrassing moment in Middle School, but what am I to do other than laugh at it now. It was one of the iciest days of the year; we should have had off from school. The bus was about 40 minutes late, ten more minutes and we would have the day off. In order to fill our free time at the bus stop, we played games. Every day someone was assigned to bring a Frisbee down to the bus stop. We were playing Frisbee and “ice skating” around the streets. On the corner, there are two neighbors you can run into: Mrs. Miller or Mr. Stone. Mrs. Miller, the sweet lady with two young kids, understands if our Frisbee landed on her yard, and would never mind us getting it. But the cranky old man with a fence around his whole yard, Mr. Stone, would steal the Frisbees from us. His reasoning was, if it landed on his yard, it was junk.
“NOSE GOES!” Every one touched their noses. “NOT IT!” exclaimed just about everyone at the bus stop. When the Frisbee landed in Mr. Stone’s yard, we all panicked. I was the second to last one to say it; at least I wasn’t the last! It was Fallons turn to get the Frisbee. All the older kids talked to each other, the came back with the news that they didn’t think it was fair for them to get the Frisbee. They told us that the eighth graders should not have to get the Frisbee out of the yard, because they are the oldest. Because I was the last second to last person to say anything, I was the one that they put the responsibility of getting the Frisbee out of Mr. Stone’s yard.
We planned different ways to get the Frisbee, going through the front of the fence, jumping over the fence in the back yard, jumping over the fence in the front yard. It took us about 10 minutes to decide that I would have to climb over the fence by the trees, get the Frisbee, bring it to the back yard, and climb over the fence in the back. I was terrified to jump over the fence but I knew I would have to, so I did not make a scene. I jumped up on the fence, with me sneakers wedged into the little holes, I swung my legs over, and I was in the yard. I scurried to the trees, and crouched there for a little bit. They signaled for me to hurry up and get it.
I did a bear crawl over to the Frisbee. I tried not to get my pants wet from the snow but my feet kept sinking into the snow. My toes for numb from the cold, but I continued toward the Frisbee with me butt in the air and my hands and feet pushing through the snow. I got to the Frisbee, but my hands were so numb, I didn’t think I would be able to make it back; I stood up and tried to run quietly. It took a lot of work to move my feet out of the snow after each step, but I was almost there. I fell face first into the snow, and yelled from the shivers that were sent down my whole body.
For sure, this had to have woken up Mr. Stone. I just screamed in the middle of his yard and it felt impossible to move. I lay there, unable to move for the cold. I turned my head towards the house, and a different light was on. I didn’t want to move, but I knew I had to. I pulled myself up and moved as fast as I could. I tried to be quiet, but all I wanted was to be out of that yard. All of the other kids were at the fence waving for me to hurry up. I jumped up on the fence, and pulled my self over. I swung my leg over, I was half way there. I swung my leg over, still no sign of Mr. Stone. I jumped down in a hurry after they told me the bus was coming, but I didn’t hit the ground. Instead I felt a huge jolt, and my pants were being pulled, as if someone was trying to give me a wedgie.
The bus was roaring down the street and I was hanging from Mr. Stone’s Fence. I couldn’t figure out how to get down without ripping my jeans. I was wiggling, and trying to set my self loose, half of the others were already on the bus, and they thought I was right behind them. I didn’t want to yell again, encouraging Mr. Stone to come out, but I didn’t know how get down. I yelled for someone to come help, but they were already on the bus. Luckily Shelly, my friend that lives down the street, was sitting in her car, and she had to help me get down. I had a huge hole in my pants; I couldn’t go home and change, so I had to go to school with a hole in the back of my pants.

be harsh! and make necessary revisions and changes. thank you so much

ANSWER
Revised essay:

Looking back, it was probably the most embarrassing moment in Middle School, but what am I to do other than laugh at it now? It was one of the iciest days of the year; we should have had off from school. The bus was about 40 minutes late, ten more minutes and we would have the day off. In order to fill our free time at the bus stop, we played games. Every day someone was assigned to bring a Frisbee down to the bus stop. We were playing Frisbee and “ice skating” around the streets. On the corner, there are two neighbors you can run into: Mrs. Miller or Mr. Stone. Mrs. Miller, the sweet lady with two young kids, understands if our Frisbee landed on her yard, and would never mind us getting it. But the cranky old man with a fence around his whole yard, Mr. Stone, would steal the Frisbees from us. His reasoning was, if it landed on his yard, it was junk.
“NOSE GOES!” Every one touched their noses. “NOT IT!” exclaimed just about everyone at the bus stop. When the Frisbee landed in Mr. Stone’s yard, we all panicked. I was the second to last one to say it; at least I wasn’t the last! It was Fallon’s turn to get the Frisbee. All the older kids talked to each other, they came back with the news that they didn’t think it was fair for them to get the Frisbee. They told us that the eighth graders should not have to get the Frisbee out of the yard, because they are the oldest. Because I was the last second to last person to say anything, I was the one that they put the responsibility of getting the Frisbee out of Mr. Stone’s yard.
We planned different ways to get the Frisbee, going through the front of the fence, jumping over the fence in the back yard, jumping over the fence in the front yard. It took us about 10 minutes to decide that I would have to climb over the fence by the trees, get the Frisbee, bring it to the back yard, and climb over the fence in the back. I was terrified to jump over the fence but I knew I would have to, so I did not make a scene. I jumped up on the fence, with my sneakers wedged into the little holes, I swung my legs over, and I was in the yard. I scurried to the trees, and crouched there for a little bit. They signaled for me to hurry up and get it.
I did a bear crawl over to the Frisbee. I tried not to get my pants wet from the snow but my feet kept sinking into the snow. My toes were numb from the cold, but I continued toward the Frisbee with my butt in the air and my hands and feet pushing through the snow. I got to the Frisbee, but my hands were so numb, I didn’t think I would be able to make it back; I stood up and tried to run quietly. It took a lot of work to move my feet out of the snow after each step, but I was almost there. I fell face first into the snow, and yelled from the shivers that were sent down my whole body.
For sure, this had to have woken up Mr. Stone. I just screamed in the middle of his yard and it felt impossible to move. I lay there, unable to move for the cold. I turned my head towards the house, and a different light was on. I didn’t want to move, but I knew I had to. I pulled myself up and moved as fast as I could. I tried to be quiet, but all I wanted was to be out of that yard. All of the other kids were at the fence waving for me to hurry up. I jumped up on the fence, and pulled myself over. I swung my leg over, I was half way there. I swung my leg over, still no sign of Mr. Stone. I jumped down in a hurry after they told me the bus was coming, but I didn’t hit the ground. Instead I felt a huge jolt, and my pants were being pulled, as if someone was trying to give me a wedgie.
The bus was roaring down the street and I was hanging from Mr. Stone’s Fence. I couldn’t figure out how to get down without ripping my jeans. I was wiggling, and trying to set myself loose, half of the others were already on the bus, and they thought I was right behind them. I didn’t want to yell again, encouraging Mr. Stone to come out, but I didn’t know how get down. I yelled for someone to help, but they were already on the bus. Luckily Shelly, my friend that lives down the street, was sitting in her car, and she had to help me get down. I had a huge hole in my pants; I couldn’t go home and change, so I had to go to school with a hole in the back of my pants.

There were very few errors, but I fixed them all. 🙂