Throughout my school years, the awards and distinctions continued to accrue. I was singled out for my chart-making in fifth grade geography and awarded a special commendation for my Ode to Clio in the seventh grade “Muse Off” competition (losing the first prize, disgracefully, to a poem in which the word “pigtail” was spelled “pig tail”). Even so, and despite the clear evidence of my elevated abilities, I have repeatedly had to contend with the downward pull of my less motivated, focused, and frankly capable peers. It has been, to be perfectly honest, a great drain on my considerable energies to hold myself in check while the rest of the class offer various lame opinions on the failure of socialism or the causes of the Civil War. My private tutors have gone so far as to say that school has held me back, and even compromised my otherwise limitless potential. If it had not been for ninth grade geometry, for example, I might have already completed multi-variable calculus. Instead, poor teaching has done irreparable harm to what might otherwise have been one of the great mathematical minds of my generation. If it had not been for the closed-minded sycophancy of the drama director, the voice which my vocal coach has described as “simply thrilling” would have received an appropriate showcase, rather than being relegated to the chorus. And had my eleventh grade English teacher not suffered from a delusional sense of her own abilities, I would have been given my head to fully explore the cannon as a self-directed, independent study, rather than being forced to goose step alongside the granite-brained “students” in my class, every one of them headed down the road to general ignorance and illiteracy. Is it any wonder, given these handicaps, that my SAT scores of 250 Verbal, 320 Math, 290 Writing and 0.4523 GPA obviously do not reflect my true abilities, not to speak of my extraordinary promise?

Luckily, I have always known that it was my destiny to attend a first rate college or university. Only there will I finally meet and have the opportunity to exchange ideas with similarly brilliant and capable young people. How I yearn to meet my true fellow travelers, young men and women who share my vast hunger for knowledge, and ability to generate it! Only when we have shed the burden of those dead weights known, bizarrely, as our high school “peers” and “classmates”, will we emerge into the white light of real, searching knowledge. I am counting the days until the day of my enrollment, and I know that you are just as excited to meet me.

If you send this essay to a college, you will never get accepted to any school. Your elevated opinion of yourself and your haughty demeanor come across more clearly than any of your much touted accomplishments. Any admitting official would immediately conclude you would never fit in with the other students and that your Narcissistic tendencies would cause problems both in your socialization into collegiate society and in your ability to reflect dispassionately upon your own mistakes and shortcomings. In plain, simple language, you are stuck up and think all problems in your life are someone else’s fault. If you are a troll, thanks for the laugh. If not, do not, I repeat, do not send this to any college you hope to gain admittance to. Pay someone else to write this for you (after supplying them with your background and school history and accomplishments) and do not be tempted to rewrite it after they give it to you. This is the only way you will stand a chance. Oh, and get a therapist. You need it.