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09/08/2019

This is my fourth paragraph what corrections need to be made?

QUESTION
This is my fourth paragraph what corrections need to be made?
When I come to SMU, I will bring the traits I have learned from community service. I will also want to gain more useful traits when I become involved in community service at SMU. I will hope to grow my leadership skills in the process as well. I will develop them by meeting and learning from experienced leaders. Even though I will have to start from the bottom again, that will not stop me from reaching my goal of gaining a leadership position. After SMU, I will bring all the skills and lessons I have learned and I apply them to the real world. I will also continue volunteering.

ANSWER
That’s an excellent paragraph as it is. Some of the terms are in phrases that are usually stated a bit differently (“traits,” for example, means “inborn characteristics,” while “skills” means “learned characteristics”). When you write an essay of this type, use only positive terms. Scan your writing for negative terms and replace them with positive ones–you don’t want to suggest any negative mindsets to the readers. Pay attention to semantics–“hope” isn’t nearly as self-confident as “plan” or “expect.”

Here’s a rewrite that adds some positive terms and revisions. Feel free to use as much or as little as you need–or revise it again if you like.

“When I come to SMU, I will bring the traits I have applied to and the skills I have learned from community service. I expect to gain more useful skills when I become involved in community service at SMU. I expect to grow my leadership skills in the process as well. I will develop them by meeting with and learning from experienced leaders and following their leadership. Even though I will have to start from the bottom again, that will encourage me to work harder to reach my goal of attaining a leadership position. After SMU, I will bring with me all the skills and lessons I have learned, and I will apply them to the real world. I will also continue to volunteer in worthwhile service to the community.”