Transfer Essay: Do I sound like I’m bashing my current school?
I’m writing a transfer essay. I know it is okay to write why you no longer want to attend your current school as long as you don’t sound overly negative or whiny. Does this excerpt sound ok?:
In short, I was living what I believed to be a fantasy. By the end of my first semester, I had managed straight A’s and found myself the congratulatory placement by all of my parents’ friends. But even by then, a slight discomfort was settling into my mind. Though I was involved with the community more than most of my peers, the sense of disconnection among the student body was overwhelming. Even my grades were suddenly making me uneasy; everyone had said the first semester of college was the hardest, especially at NYU, and somehow I had managed Dean’s List without much challenge. The students in my classes seemed far more drawn to the city itself than the academics and career choices facing them. It was at that moment that I began to realize that perhaps paying exuberant amounts for rent and tuition had been exciting in the beginning, when everything was new and novel; however, as time wore on, I began to realize that I already felt like I wasn’t getting back what I paid in, and it simply was not a good investment.
This is one of the few “admissions essays” that I’ve seen on here that didn’t stink completely. I think that you are definitely playing with fire here in that it could start to look like you’re just blowing smoke to try to get into this transfer school. With that said, I think you’ve stayed on the safe side. You are definitely taking a bit of a risk here, but you are articulate and use actual reasons for disliking NYU (concerns which I’ve heard voiced about NYU before). From here, I would focus in on telling a story to prove your point. Perhaps point out a situation where a friend or friends blew off academic work to go “see the city” and have a good night. That will really prove what you’re asserting.
Good luck with admission to whatever university you’re trying for. I’m sure that you’ll find your happiness there!