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09/08/2019

University of Florida rough essay?

QUESTION
University of Florida rough essay?
this is an essay done in class for my ap class in preparation for applying for universities on a risk on my life. however for uf the prompt is to “write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.” however, is this a good basic idea for it? and also what are some sentences considered useless.

“Lynda, you’re getting fat. Lose some weight, and then you’ll look pretty,” was the statement made by my very own mother when I was in the fourth grade. It was the statement that led me in a path towards a risk I would take in order to be considered “pretty.”
I was reflected as “ugly” in the sixth grade. I was hideous and overweight. I had dreadful poofy hair and was a very awkward child and it was obvious. My parents criticized me. My siblings teased me. My peers snickered behind my back and picked on me. I was the one always picked last for everything. I had even thought of suicide because of few verbal abuses from my relatives, but had decided against it. However, I took a risk of my body, of my life in order to be accepted, to be skinny, and to, what I thought would make me, beautiful. I became anorexic.
At first, I had thought, if I ate less, maybe a meal a day, then eventually I would lose ten pounds and I would be happy, everyone would be happy. Then everyone would love me. That was all I thought of. Soon, my clothes were getting looser, and people began to notice. For the first time in years, people gave me compliments on my looks. It felt great; I felt beautiful for the first time. In addition, I felt in control of my life, of my emotions, and of my confidence, and I was not going to let that power go. Then, I thought that if I decrease more of my intake in food, I would be happier. Soon, I only ate when we ate together as a family, which was easy since my parents were rarely ever home for meals. However, during holidays when my parents would be home for weeks, I was forced to eat three meals again. Those nights I cried myself to sleep, from the weight gain of holiday meals. I was miserable then, and every time I ate. However, it never ceased anyone from noticing how much weight I had lost and how little I ate and that had scared them. My parents and friends had mentioned the subject a few times, but every time, I replied saying it was only because of my metabolism, and they said nothing.
Soon, half of me realized I had a problem, the other half denied it. How could I have been anorexic? I was the one in power. I was going to prove myself wrong. I was going to prove that I was not anorexic, so I researched on it. I was wrong, very wrong indeed. I did have a problem. Every night since then, I cried myself to sleep, ashamed of myself for attempting to “fit in,” and changing myself to feel loved. Overcoming anorexia was the most difficult thing I had endured. I forced myself to eat three meals, every day over the summer of 2008. I felt disgusted every time I ate, and I felt ashamed in myself every time I had not.
When school had started, I no longer starved myself. I simply started discovering myself, and realized how important anorexia played a part in my life.
Growing up as the “ugly one”, has taught me to not rely on my looks, but my character and personality, so I developed a skill to not depend on anything superficial, rather, look beyond the surface and find the deeper meaning of things. The experience of anorexia has made me embrace and accept not only of my body, but also of my whole being. It has taught me not to judge others and tolerance and embracement of all shapes, sizes, states of being, disabilities, races, cultures, and behaviors. The imperfections are what make each of us unique, and the challenges we put behind us are what make us stronger. Anorexia has allowed me to see true beauty in everyone, and see how each person’s individuality shines so brightly within them. For those who hide their true beauty, I make my attempts to share it with the world, to bring out the real them in order for them to be comfortable with everyone; in order for them to be comfortable with themselves. I have accepted and understand my strengths and weaknesses, and have used it to my advantage. My eating disorder has taught me that sometimes there is no cause that some things happen for no reason. No one is at fault, no one is to blame, things just happens and it should be embraced.
My life has changed dramatically because of anorexia. However, I still suffer from anorexia nervosa and forever will. The risk I had taken I will never forget, nor do I regret. Why? Simply, because every risk we take, leads to a better understanding in ourselves and to build a better person within us. I have become a different and happier

ANSWER
I’ll say that I think you should choose a different subject for your essay. Try something that has to do with balancing school and home life/work/extra curricular stuff, etc. Maybe a class you struggled with in which you worked hard and finally got a good grade. While your personal struggle with an eating disorder speaks volumes about your personal strength, my opinion is that you should focus on academics for your essay.

As far as your writing goes, be careful with your prepositions and independent clauses. I realize this is probably an early draft, but run on sentences seem to be an issue as well. Clean it up, use a spell check and get someone (preferably someone who is already in college or maybe an English teacher) to proofread and help you edit.